Deconstruction
by ComputerNerd
Summary: The child prodigies of RWBY meet the pathetic losers of Red vs Blue. As unlikely friendships form, so do battles against forgotten enemies. Soon the heroes of each world find themselves locked in combat with the other's enemies in a conflict that could determine the fate of the entire universe (again).
1. Mother KEEGAKERGERK

_The following is a fan-based crossover. Red vs Blue and RWBY are the product of RoosterTeeth. Please support the official releases._

_The time setting for both series being crossed over is as follows:_

_Red vs Blue: Immediately after Volume 12_

_RWBY: Immediately after Volume 2_

_And yes, I have watched both to the end._

* * *

><p>"Remind me why we're spending our down time in Grimm territory?" asked Weiss as she and the rest of Team RWBY wandered through the forest of Forever Fall.<p>

"Because sitting around in the library is sooo boring," said Yang.

"Because there's still too much evil in the world to ignore," added Blake.

"You realize that Torchwick is behind bars, right?" said Ruby.

"Trust me," said Blake. "There's plenty more where he came from."

"Right," said Weiss. "You're worried about cunning criminals like Torchwick, and somehow picking off barbaric creatures of Grimm is going to solve this."

"We're here to practice," said Ruby. "It will make us stronger. And it will be fun!"

"Fun doesn't win the war," said Blake.

"Geez, and I thought Weiss could ruin any moment!" said Yang.

"Come on guys, we're here to fight Grimm," said Ruby. "Stop arguing. What's the worst thing that could happen?"

"TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO DEFY PROBABILITY BY NOT DYING!" screamed a hyperactive southern accent from above.

The four teenage huntresses in training looked up at the Nevermore that was plummeting in their general direction. It wasn't skydiving so much as belly-flopping. Team RWBY dove for cover, not having time to wonder why a giant bird would belly-flop.

When the huntresses looked up, they saw the Nevermore sprawled on the ground. Its dead body was slowly evaporating. Lodged into its back was a UNSC Pelican spacecraft. A team of troopers wearing space armor of various colors climbed out.

"See? I knew we could pull it off!" said the Red Colonel, who spoke in the southern accent from earlier and still called himself Sarge. "We just needed to find another flying object to break our fall and slow our descent."

"Something's broken?!" exclaimed Caboose. "Quick! Somebody fix it!"

"Maybe he was talking to some kind of audience," said Donut.

"That would be breaking the _fourth wall_, you idiot," Lopez, in his usual obligatory robot Spanish that nobody else understood.

"Good point, Lopez," said Sarge. "This planet definitely isn't Chorus."

"If I had said a planet's name, it would have sounded the same as in English!" said Lopez.

"What do you mean, why did we leave Chorus in the first place?" said Donut. "Felix threw a teleportation grenade at us, and we wound up on a spaceship filled with pirates!"

"Good thing I had picked up that energy shield to deflect his regular explosives," said Agent Carolina.

"Grif!" said Sarge. "Where's Simmons?"

"Oh, he's lazing about in the wrecked Pelican," said Grif.

"I'm not lazy, you hypocrite!" said Simmons from inside the Pelican. "I'm just afraid of the teenage girls!"

"Excuse me?" said Weiss angrily.

"As far as sexual bias goes," said Yang, "being afraid of us isn't all that demeaning,"

"It is for Simmons," said Tucker. "Especially when he was supposed to be the captain of an all-female army."

"Yeah," said Grif, "That was even more pathetic than the old days, when all he did was kiss Sarge's..."

"Ah-bah-bah-bah-bah!" interrupted Weiss in an attempt to silence Grif. "Language!"

"What are you, eight years old?" asked Agent Washington.

"This whole planet is infected by creatures of Grimm," said Blake. "Their entire purpose in life is to destroy humanity."

"Which makes it very ironic that a Nevermore - or giant bird of Grimm - saved your life," added Weiss.

"What does that have to do with language?" asked Carolina.

"The Grimm tend to hone in on negative emotional atmospheres," said Yang.

"So if you say dirty words," said Ruby, "you might as well scream, 'Come and get me, Grimm!'"

"Fascinating!" said Doctor Emily Gray, eccentric as always. "I have a lot of scientific observation to catch up on!"

"In all my life, I've never heard such bull..." started Grif, before Weiss shot a blast of dust from her Myrtenaster sword, encasing Grif's helmet in ice.

"Hrr!" said Grif in a muffled scream. "Whrt der frrg?"

"Um, I can't understand what he's saying," said Ruby, "but if he's swearing, won't the Grimm still hone in on his aura?"

"Does that answer your question?" said Yang, looking at a pack of Beowolves running towards them.

"For the time being, I'm trying to make it less contagious," explained Weiss.

"Murder frrgers!" said Grif, who had just walked straight into a tree. "GIRT DIRS SHRRT ERFA MER!"

Team RWBY surrounded the Reds and Blues. As the creatures of Grimm closed in, the four huntresses fought them off, keeping the troopers covered.

Tucker instinctively activated his energy sword in case a Grimm got through the outer defenses. Unfortunately, Grif bumped into him blindly. As Tucker stumbled to keep his balance, his energy sword slashed through the ice around Grif's head, melting it.

"It's official," said Grif. "I KEEGAKERGERK-ing hate every single one of you!"

"Church, is that you?" asked Tucker.

"No, you idiot! I'm Grif! Why would you think I'm Church?"

"You just made the noise that most people make when Church possesses them," said Tucker. "Although, he doesn't have to be in control. He could be probing for KEEGAKERGERK! Okay, Church, this is getting pretty disturbing."

"I seem to remember Church being somewhat of a misanthrope," said Simmons, "meaning that he hates every-KEEGAKERGERK!"

Meanwhile, Team RWBY was fighting off the last of the nearby Grimm.

"I think that's the last of them in this vicinity," said Blake.

"We should get the foreigners to a safe place as quickly as possible," said Weiss.

"Okay, I'm done," said Church, who was now hovering next to Carolina's head in miniature hologram form.

"Who's that?" asked Ruby.

"This is Agent Carolina!" said Caboose.

"I don't think she was talking about me," said Carolina.

"Who's the small transparent guy?" said Ruby.

"Oh, this is the ghost of her father! Church Carolina!" said Caboose. "He's also my best friend!"

"Yeah, for future reference," said Tucker, "don't listen to anything Caboose says. He doesn't know what he's talking about."

"Yeah," said Simmons. "I think he just set a new record for the most demented assessment of all time."

"That's not entirely true," said Agent Carolina. "I don't remember telling anyone that my father was the Director of Project Freelancer."

"Oh, yeah!" said Caboose. "I forgot all about that! My best friend is in charge of Freelancer City!"

"Yeah, he's pretty BLEEPed up," said Grif. "Wait, what the BLEEP was...what the BLEEP..."

"That was me," said Church. "I installed a profanity filter into everyone's helmet speakers. Also, when I was in Caboose's head, I may have caused a memory leak. I swear, it's like a haunted wasteland in there."

"Why bother with Caboose?" asked Tucker. "When was the last time he ever said BLEEP?"

"Oh, I say that all the time," said Caboose. "I like to press buttons, and I sometimes mimic the sound that they make."

"Excuse me," said Weiss, "but time is of the essence."

"Yeah," said Ruby. "We have to get you to a safe place."

"I thought you said that the whole planet was infected by these creatures," said Agent Washington.

"Trust me," said Blake. "You're more likely to avoid them in a city than in the wild."


	2. New friends, old enemies

_This air conditioner parody is a follower of Blue Base. Blue vs Red and Sapphire are the sum of Roosters and Teeth. Please release the supporting officers._

_Shut up, Caboose._

_Tucker did it!_

_The following is a fan-based...oh, forget it._

* * *

><p>"So, Carolina, has your leg healed yet?" asked Washington.<p>

"I'll be the judge of that!" said Dr. Gray. "No super speed until I discharge you!"

"You have super speed?" said Ruby. "If only you could use it, you and I could race to the nearest airship station!"

"Why not just race all the way to your destination?" asked Donut.

"There's a limit to how long I can use my semblance in one go," explained Ruby.

"Please don't use it at all," said Grif. "You'll be leaving the rest of us behind."

"Yeah, there's...fourteen of us," said Tucker, doing a quick head count.

"Hey, A.I.s are people too!" said Church. "Though, without a body, I guess I'm not much of a transportation issue."

"So that's what you are," said Ruby. "A computer program."

"A.I. stands for Artificial Intelligence!" said Caboose proudly.

_"We know!"_ said Team RWBY in unison.

"I gotta admit, by Caboose's standards, that was actually an improvement," said Wash.

"By the way," said Caboose, "How do you spell A.I.?"

"You were saying?" said Weiss, rolling her eyes.

"I should have known it was too good to be true," said Wash.

Team RWBY, the nine space marines, the android and the A.I. got on the airship to Beacon Academy. Weiss paid for all fourteen tickets (Lopez didn't get off as lucky as Church). She had only been expecting to need four tickets, but this wasn't a big deal for the heiress to the Schnee Dust Company.

"Why is everyone staring at us?" asked Caboose. "I don't like it. It makes me angry!" Caboose's voice on that last sentence was almost an octave lower than usual.

"It's only natural for our space armor to stand out," said Wash. "Especially Donut's pink armor."

"It's lightish red!" said Donut while Ruby was giggling.

"I don't know if you've noticed," said Carolina, "but the locals don't seem to have much of a low profile wardrobe either."

"Everyone's probably wondering why ten people are wearing nearly identical armor," said Yang. "It's not the armor itself, so much as the repetition."

"I still want to know how to spell A.I.," said Caboose when the airship landed next to Beacon and everyone got off.

"Um, it's already pronounced the same way it's spelled," said Ruby.

"Don't waste your breath, Capitan Obvious," said Weiss. "The only person who doesn't already know that is never going to learn."

"You don't know that for sure," said Ruby.

"Yeah, if you're willing to spend several years explaining it over and over again," said Tucker, "it might eventually sink in."

"There's something not quite right about that kid," said Sarge.

"You just noticed?" said Grif.

"Yep," said Sarge. "I'm mighty suspicious of him."

"Wake up, Sarge!" said Tucker. "Caboose has been an idiot since forever!"

"I don't know," said Sarge. "I'm beginning to think it was all a conspiracy to trick us into letting our guards down!"

"Okay, first of all," said Church, "you've always been more paranoid than Wash."

"Hey!" said Agent Washington.

"Second of all," continued Church, "I've been inside Caboose's head. There's nothing in there worth speaking of."

"Unless he's so smart," said Sarge, "that he's managed to compartmentalize the parts of his brain you have access to!"

"Now you're being more paranoid than Carolina," said Church.

"What was that?" said Carolina angrily.

"Hey, I'm connected to your neural implants," said Church. "You can't deny it."

"You know too much!" said Caboose, whose voice had dropped at least an entire octave this time. "Prepare to die!"

"I knew it!" said Sarge.

"C'mon, he's just taking an opportunity to sound smarter than he actually is," said Tucker. "Besides, even if your crazy conspiracy theory were somehow correct, he wouldn't drop the act now. He'd either drop it much later or much sooner, depending on what he's trying to gain."

Oh, I'll tell you fools what I'm trying to gain!" said Caboose. "First I'm going to kill all of you! Then I'm going to kill everyone on this planet! Except for those beautiful creatures of Grimm. They can do my bidding to the entire universe! BWA HA HA HA HA!"

"Oh, ****!" said Tucker, without caring that he swore nor that it was bleeped out. "That's not Caboose. It's Omega."

"I thought he was dead!" said Simmons.

"Simmons! I had almost forgotten what your voice sounded like!" said Sarge. "Teenage girls got your tongue? That being said, I'm gonna need to give you a demerit for saying 'I thought he was dead' one too many times. From now on, you can only say that about Grif! But replace 'thought' with 'wish.'"

"I can help with that!" said Omega/Caboose. "Only replace 'wish' with 'know,' and 'Grif' with 'everybody!'"

* * *

><p><em>Note: My brother deserves credit for Sarge's conspiracy theory of Caboose's "secret genius." However, reviving Omega was my idea since before my brother's conspiracy theory idea. I just thought they would go well together.<em>


	3. Massive O'Malley Malice

_The following is a parody based on foolish mortals. Red vs Blue and RWBY are the property of pathetic Roosters. Please hand them over to me so that I can murder them!_

_With a lot of hate,_

_Omega O'Malley_

* * *

><p>"Everyone, turn off your radios!" said Church. "Don't let Omega infect you!"<p>

"What about us?" asked Ruby.

"Do you have neural implants that let your brain interface directly with computers?" asked Doctor Gray.

"No," said Yang.

"Then you should be safe," said Agent Washington.

"Define safe!" laughed Omega Caboose. "If I can't get inside your body, I'll just kill you instead! BWA HA HA HA HA! By the way, Tucker, you've been awfully quiet. Is Theta inside you right now?"

"**** off, Omega!" said Tucker.

"Nope," said Omega. "Definitely not Theta. Also, that bleeping noise is going to get very irritating very quickly!"

Team RWBY posed for battle, lined up in order. They fixated their eyes on Caboose's body.

"Eeny meanie miney mo," said Omega. "Actually, with exactly four of you, the modular arithmetic is even easier!"

"Well, that proves he's not Caboose," said Grif. "If I don't know what 'modular arithmetic' is, then Caboose definitely doesn't."

Omega fired Caboose's gun at Yang. Yang dodged the first shot, but the second bullet was about to hit her in mid-air. It ended up grazing against her shoulder, shedding some blood. Yang fell to her knees, grasping her shoulder.

"NO!" screamed Tucker.

Omega turned around to see Tucker angrily charging towards him with his energy sword. Omega dodged.

"Don't hurt him!" said Wash. "That's still Caboose's body!"

"Why do you care?" said Omega. "I've heard rumors that you almost killed Donut! I'm rather appalled by the fact that you fell short."

"It's called 'making amends,'" said Wash. "You wouldn't understand."

Tucker deactivated his energy sword, then angrily threw his fist at Omega, who blocked it in the palm of Caboose's hand. Omega then punched Tucker in the stomach. While Tucker was keeling over on the ground, Omega pointed Caboose's gun at him. Before he could fire, however, Yang started violently punching him.

"YOU! SHOT! RIGHT! THROUGH! MY! HAIR!" she screamed, punching Omega after each word. Her shoulder was now more than fully functional, and the blood stain was the same color as her eyes currently were.

"Ow, the back of my head!" said Omega. "Ow, the left side of my ribcage! Ow, the second molar from the front on the right side of my lower jaw! KEEGAKERGERK!"

"You can stop punching him now!" said Wash. "Church should be able to take it from here."

Church looked around at the haunted wasteland that was the inside of Caboose's mind. The environment seemed to be having the dream equivalent of earthquakes.

"That must be the result of Yang's punches," said Church to himself. "I just need to find Omega. I also need to remember that nothing else in here is real. It's just Caboose trying to understand the outside world, and failing miserably."

Church then looked around and saw the newest additions to Caboose's fantasy fun house of friends. "Great," he said. "It didn't take long for Caboose to make new friends and still get them completely wrong." Standing before him was a guy wearing a red farmer's outfit and holding a simple gardening scythe. Next to him were an old lady, a black house cat and a blond girl who looked exactly like Yang, except that she was wearing a string bikini.

"You must be Caboose's best friend," said the guy. "I'm Rubin."

"I'm Wise," said the old lady.

"I'll believe that when you prove it," said Church.

"Meow," said the cat in a human voice, despite her 100% feline appearance.

"I'm Yank," said the blond bikini girl. "And this is Blackey."

Suddenly the environment shook with another quake.

"What's causing that?" cried Yank.

"Funny you should ask that," said Church. "Technically you're the one causing it. Now have any of you seen Omega?"

"We don't even know who that is," said Rubin.

"You might know him as O'Malley," said Church.

"Who?" asked Yank.

"Do you know anyone here who might know where O'Malley is?" asked Church.

"Maybe you should ask that guy in black armor," said Wise.

"Meow," said Blackey.

"I will do that," said Church. "Where can I find this guy in black armor, so I can ask him where O'Malley went?"

"He ran away and disappeared into thin air," said Wise.

"Good luck asking him for directions!" said Yank.

"I'll be sure to keep that in mind," said Church, who then disappeared.

Back in the real world, Church appeared in miniature hologram form above Caboose's unconscious body. "Omega ran away," he said. "Sim Troopers, Freelancers and Doctor, did all of you turn your radios off?"

Everyone nodded.

"Not my fault..." mumbled Caboose in his sleep. "Tucker did it..."

"Okay, then Omega can't be possessing other people," said Church. "He could have retreated into a nearby machine."

"Uh oh," said Ruby. "I hope he's not in one of the many scrolls we carry around."

"I don't think rolled up pieces of paper count as machines," said Sarge.

"It's a brand name," said Weiss, rolling her eyes. She reached into her waist purse and took out her standard electronic equipment. "_This_ is a scroll."

"Looks like an iPad," said Grif.

"It's like those guns in the Leonardo DiCaprio version of Romeo and Juliet!" said Donut. "You know, swords."

"And keys," said Caboose, who had just woken up randomly. "Keys can be swords too."

"I have got to get out of here," said Church. "Carolina, I should be able to transfer over to you using Near Field Communication without Omega slipping in."

"Seriously, Tucker," said Grif, "aren't you going to say it?"

"If I choose not to say it, that's my business," said Tucker.

"Say what?" asked Yang.

"N-nothing," stuttered Tucker.

"Now you sound like Simmons," said Grif. "That's creepy in its own way."

"Speaking of Simmons," said Sarge, "I think he's dead."

"No, he's just unconscious," said Doctor Gray. "It looks like he passed out after a panic attack."

"Must be the result of being surrounded by six women at once," said Wash.

"Six and a half if you count Donut," said Grif.

"Hey Tucker!" Caboose. "I'm about to get close to a woman! Are you jealous?"

"NFC transfer complete," said Church, appearing on Carolina's shoulder.

"Good," said Carolina. "Now I can do _this_." She punched Caboose several feet backwards.

"Wow, Carolina, you are very slow on the uptake," said Caboose.

* * *

><p>Wash, Carolina, Gray and Ruby carried Simmons on a stretcher to the Beacon infirmary. Weiss, Blake and Yang showed everyone else to the dormitories for transfer students.<p>

"This energy boost drug should wake him up," said the doctor.

"Um, Doctor Gray," said Wash, "not to imply anything sexist about your qualification, but don't you think Simmons might be better off with a male doctor? You know, for allergy-related reasons."

"You can't play into his weakness forever!" said Doctor Gray. "Sooner or later he's going to need to face his fear head on."

With that, Doctor Gray injected Simmons with the drug. He looked at the three women and one guy looking over him, then immediately sprang up and bolted out of the infirmary.

"Oops!" said Doctor Gray. "I forgot to mention, when I say energy boost, I mean energy boost."

"I should be able to keep up with him," said Ruby. She bolted after Simmons, leaving behind a trail of rose pedals.

Simmons was running like a madman towards the edge of the Beacon campus altogether.

"Simmons!" said Ruby, darting in front of his path. Unfortunately, Simmons just turned and ran off to the side, barely slowing down for a split second.

Ruby tried to keep up with Simmons as he ran far away from Beacon. "Just how much energy does that drug have?" she wondered, gasping for breath. "At this rate, my semblance will wear down before his drug does."

By the time the energy boost wore off, Simmons was deep in a snowy forest. He finally stopped running and stood still, panting for breath. Then he looked up.

"Oh, ****!"

A relatively small Beowolf was running towards Simmons. He turned around and ran away as fast as he could without Doctor Gray's drug. Unfortunately, another Beowolf appeared in front of him.

With nowhere else to run, Simmons crouched down and waited for the inevitable. After a few seconds of not getting massacred, he looked up and saw Ruby slicing her Crescent Rose scythe through the neck of one of the Beowolves. The other Beowolf was already decapitated.

"Holy ****!" said Simmons.

Several more Beowolves came charging in towards Ruby and Simmons. Simmons kept himself covered behind Ruby while she mercilessly slaughtered the Beowolves.

"Wow, Ruby, you really know how to kick ***," said Simmons after all the nearby Beowolves were dead. "All I ever did was kiss it."

"Simmons, even if I can't hear you swearing, the Grimm will still sense it," said Ruby.

"Sorry," said Simmons. "Doesn't that make Church's profanity filter a moot point?"

"Not quite," said Ruby. "If other people hear you mouthing off, the resulting agitation will attract even more Grimm."

"Giant scorpion at six o'clock!" said Simmons. "I hope that wasn't my fault!"

Ruby turned around to look behind her. "That's not good," she said. "Death Stalkers make Beowolves look like insects by comparison. Which is kind of ironic for a giant scorpion."

"Scorpions are actually arachnids," said Simmons. "Then again, wolves are mammals, so it's still pretty ironic."

"We don't have time for this!" said Ruby. "There's another Death Stalker at three o'clock!"

Simmons looked to his right. "Son of a..." he started, suddenly remembering that he needed more self control. "Hey, look! Reinforcements at nine o'clock!"

Coming from the left were four cars with five seats each. One of them had the radio on, playing a song that Simmons didn't recognize, but Ruby did.

"This will be the day we've waited for!  
>This will be the day we open up the door.<br>I don't wanna hear your absolution..."

The song was cut short when Sarge rammed his car into one of the Death Stalkers. Sarge, Grif and Donut were launched into the air. Their car was wrecked, but the Death Stalker appeared mostly unscathed.

"I'm beginning to see why Lopez made us bring four cars when we needed less then fifteen seats," said Donut.

"Lopez!" said Sarge. "Why didn't you say so sooner?"

"How do you know he didn't?" asked Blake. "You can't understand anything he says anyway."

"Finally, someone who understands me without actually understanding me!" said Lopez.

Tucker and Yang paired up to fight against one of the Grimm. "The Death Stalker's weak point is its one eye," explained Yang.

"Got it," said Tucker.

Yang fired a few rounds of dust ammo from her gauntlets, drawing the Death Stalker's attention. It ran towards Yang, not noticing Tucker waiting slightly to the side.

"Swish!" said Tucker, slicing his energy sword through the Death Stalker's eye.

"More wolves incoming!" said Agent Washington.

"Hey Caboose," said Church. "I think those Beowolves want to be my new best friends."

"Oh no they don't!" said Caboose angrily. He started charging through the pack, knocking several Beowolves into the air.

"My name is Michael J. Caboose! And I! Hate! Bail wolves!"

"Beowolves, you dunce!" corrected Weiss.

"Calling Caboose a 'dunce' is an understatement," said Blake.

Yang was firing more rounds at the remaining Death Stalker, trying to lure it towards herself and Tucker and away from Ruby and Simmons. Unfortunately, this one wasn't taking the bait.

"That must be the older brother of the Death Stalker we killed," said Yang. "Those things learn if they live long enough."

"So do I," said Simmons. "Ruby, I have an idea. It's kind of a long shot, though."

Ruby fired her Crescent Rose rifle at the Death Stalker while slowly backing away from it. Agent Carolina fired her gun from a third direction. The Death Stalker looked around, trying to remember who was bluffing and who was double-bluffing.

Tucker ran toward the Death Stalker with his sword, but it didn't take long for it to remember who killed the last one. It lunged its stinger at Tucker, who dodged, but failed to get any closer.

While the Death Stalker was focused on Tucker, Simmons shot his gun point blank at its eye. The beast collapsed on the ground, dead.

"That was pretty good, Simmons," said Ruby. "By the way, what's your first name?"

"It's ****," said Simmons. "Oh, come on! That's just wrong."

"Your first name is a swear word?" said Ruby.

"Not in that context," said Simmons. "It's short for Richard."

"It's gotten pretty dark," said Wash. "We should get back to Beacon by six o'clock."

"My six o'clock or your six o'clock?" asked Ruby.

"I meant, literally, six o'clock P.M.," said Wash.

* * *

><p>Back at the exchange dorms, the space marines needed two rooms, squeezing five bodies in each instead of the usual four. They had been unable to reserve a third room for only two people.<p>

Sarge, Grif, Donut, Caboose and Tucker shared one room. Simmons, Lopez, Wash, Carolina and Doctor Gray shared another, with Church installed in Carolina's A.I. storage.

"Seriously," said Grif, "who are you, and what have you done with Lavernius Tucker?"

"Maybe he and Simmons got caught up in a brain switcheroo!" said Sarge.

"Dude, that's not what happened," said Tucker, "and neither are any of your other crackpot ideas."

"Can it, Simmons!" said Sarge.

"I'm telling you, I'm Tucker!"

"Then how were you able to fight side by side with a hot teenage warrior chick without saying 'bow chicka bow wow?'" asked Grif. "Come to think of it, you haven't said it even once since we crash landed on this planet."

"There's something special about Yang," said Tucker. "She's like one in a trillion to me. I'm afraid that if I make one wrong move, I'll lose her forever!"

"So, while I was gone," said Simmons in the other room, "were there any updates on Omega?"

"I scanned the local network and found nothing," said Church. "He's probably hiding in a far away server."

"I'd still like to know how he survived the emp," said Simmons.

"I'm telling you, it's ee em pee!" said Wash.

"He didn't," said Church, ignoring Wash. "Omega was destroyed by the emp, along with Alpha. But as you probably knew, Omega was a fragment of Alpha. As Epsilon, I inherited the memories of both, along with a bunch of other A.I. fragments. Unlike Alpha, I was able to literally hold myself together - or so I thought."

"So it's your fault," said Simmons.

"Hey, I did what I could!" said Church. "I guess I should have realized that it was only a matter of time before Omega broke free. Slipping away through radio signals is kind of his specialty."

"What about Tex?" asked Simmons.

"Carolina, calm down," said Wash. "You can't go berserk every time someone says her name."

"Tex was a direct result of the Director's grief of losing the real Allison," said Church. "I didn't need to be tortured, as Alpha or Epsilon, in order for her to manifest separately. Unfortunately, that's what gave the Director the idea for harvesting fragments in the first place."

Meanwhile, in a nearby exchange student dorm room...

"Hey Omega, do you have to keep Wi-Fi turned off?" said Mercury to his scroll. "I'd like to use the internet too."

"Two hours without Wi-Fi and you're already acting like a prisoner," mocked Emerald.

"I assure you, I'm not enjoying this any more then you are," said Omega. "But I can't risk getting caught."

"Don't worry, Omega," said Cinder, the team's queen of evil. "I've got a solution in motion. You'll be up and about in no time. Then you and Mercury should both be satisfied."


	4. Xmas Xover

_The following is a fan-based Christmas special. Red vs Blue and RWBY are official gifts from Rooster Teeth. Please show gratitude to the true givers._

* * *

><p>"So, what are you guys doing for Christmas?" Ruby asked the space marines.<p>

"Is that all you can think about when our sworn enemy is probably plotting with your creatures of Grimm?" asked Sarge.

"If we let the bad guys ruin our way of life, then they've already won," said Yang.

"I hope Santa knows about our address change," said Caboose. "Does he come to this planet?"

"He doesn't come to any planet," said Ruby. "Santa doesn't exist."

"What?" said Caboose. "How is that possible?"

"I gotta say, Ruby, I'm impressed," said Weiss. "I half expected you to still believe in Santa."

"I'm not _that_ childish," said Ruby. "I've known for years that my dad was the one putting the presents under the tree in Santa's name."

"Blasphemy!" said Caboose. "How dare you use Santa's name in vain!"

"Shut up!" said Tucker.

"So how did you feel when your old man came clean?" asked Grif.

"Actually, I was mostly confused as to why any parent would deny responsibility for doing something nice for their kids," said Ruby.

"Oh, you're such a little angel!" said Yang, squeezing Ruby in one of her ridiculously strong hugs.

"I want a stronger diaphragm for Christmas!" wheezed Ruby.

"Speak for yourself," said Grif. "When my parents told me Santa wasn't real, I was devastated. Even now I'm afraid to ever have my own kids."

"What does that have to do with Santa?" asked Blake.

"Originally I thought that Santa would take care of presents for my kids just like he took care of me," answered Grif. "But now I know that I would need to do all that work myself!"

"Now that's what I call blasphemy!" said Sarge. "Care to smite Grif for me, little red angel?"

"He is pretty despicable, I admit," said Ruby. "But between the creatures of Grimm and your deranged A.I. running loose, it would help to maintain a positive attitude. What better time to do that than Christmas? ...And you can start by not strangling me to death, Yang!"

"Whatever," said Grif. "It's not like Christmas has come yet."

"I'm gonna try to ignore that," said Ruby.

"And I'm going to take a nap straight until Christmas morning," said Grif.

"Not on my watch!" said Sarge.

"Would you prefer that I wait to sleep until Christmas Eve, then wake up at noon on Christmas day?" asked Grif.

"We would prefer if you participated in the holiday spirit," said Donut. "But if you want to remove yourself from the equation, you might as well sleep until noon on Christmas day, because you'll probably receive as many presents as you give others."

* * *

><p>Christmas morning...<p>

"Ugh! What is that dreadful smell?" said Tucker when he woke up.

"That's my Christmas present to Grif," laughed Sarge. "It's called putting his hand in warm water while he's asleep."

"I don't remember warm water smelling like pee," said Caboose.

"Couldn't you have just drawn a mustache and glasses on his helmet?" asked Donut.

"Been there, done that," said Sarge.

"Why would anyone draw a cup on someone's face?" asked Caboose.

* * *

><p>Teams RWBY and JNPR met most of the space troopers in one of the Beacon lounges, along with Sun and Neptune. Fortunately, Grif hadn't woken up yet.<p>

Sun started off by handing a present to Blake. She unwrapped it, revealing it to be a book. Although this seemed trivial, Blake was very thrilled by which book Sun had given her.

"The Third Crusade!" she said in delight. "Sun, I don't know what to say. This book is virtually impossible to find! Even Tukson's Book Trade couldn't get a copy of..." Blake's face suddenly saddened. "Poor Tukson."

"Don't worry," said Sun. "We'll find his killer eventually."

"That problem can wait until another day," said Blake. "First, I have a gift for you too."

Blake handed Sun a small package, which he opened. It was a slip of paper with Blake's handwriting on it. Sun read it out loud.

"The bearer of this coupon is entitled to one relaxing evening out with Blake Belladonna with no involvement in enemy activity. If Blake fails to comply, this coupon may be renewed and doubled. If the enemy attacks unexpectedly, this coupon may be renewed but not doubled.

"Blake, this means a lot to me!" said Sun. "Thanks!"

It was Neptune's turn to hand a present to Weiss. Weiss opened it to find another coupon.

"The bearer of this coupon is entitled to one night on the dance floor with Neptune Vasilias, who will dance to the best of his ability in front of other dancers."

"That's...bold," said Jaune.

"Indeed it is," said Weiss. "You really don't have to push yourself too hard."

"I kind of do," said Neptune, "after my poor attitude at that last school dance."

"You don't need to punish yourself for that," said Weiss. "It's Christmas. You're forgiven."

"Is forgiveness my Christmas present?" asked Neptune. "I guess that means I don't need any packages from you."

"What? No!" said Weiss, handing Neptune a package. "Please, open it."

"Not until you use that coupon," said Neptune.

"Tell you what," said Weiss. "If you open that present, I promise to use your coupon within the following month."

"I'm guessing it's some kind of enrollment to a class for dance lessons?" said Neptune.

"Good guess," said Weiss. "And now the cat's out of the bag. Don't worry. Its teaching methods are very civilized and effective."

"I didn't know cats could be such great teachers," said Caboose. "But I don't think they would appreciate being kept in bags. What do you think, Blake?"

"How do know about my heritage?" asked Blake. "I don't remember taking off my bow in front of you."

"You don't look like an archer," said Caboose.

"She means the bow on her head, idiot." said Carolina.

"You mean the cat ears?" said Caboose.

"That's not cat ears," said Wash. "They're just a similar shape."

"Actually, I think I owe our guests an explanation," said Blake, removing her bow to reveal her faunus ears underneath.

"It's like a double bluff!" said Donut.

"I guess you could say that," said Blake.

"So Neptune, my present to you is still covered in wrapping paper," said Weiss.

"I'm still not going back on my word," said Neptune.

"Wow," said Jaune, "you're pretty cool even when you're uncool."

"I learned from the best," said Neptune.

"Stop lying through your teeth," said Jaune.

"No, really!" said Neptune. "You're cool _especially_ when you're uncool."

"That's kind of my specialty," said Jaune, blushing.

"Nora Valkyrie!" said school bully Cardin Winchester, barging into the lounge angrily. Blake immediately darted behind the Christmas Tree so she could redo her bow without Cardin noticing.

"What did I do?" asked Nora.

"Apparently Cardin has a bone to pick with everyone on Team JNPR, except me so far," said Ren.

"Can't the violence wait until after New Year's?" suggested Ruby.

"No, it can't!" said Cardin. "I get that we don't like each other, but the least you could have given me for Christmas is nothing at all."

"That's exactly what I did give you," said Nora.

"Enough of your sick jokes!" said Cardin. "What do you call _this_?" he threw the contents of a present he had opened at her feet.

"It looks like a copy of your huntsman armor," said Nora. "Only...pink."

Simmons and Sarge looked at each other suspiciously.

"Oh, look, there's a note!" said Nora. "'I think this light red armor would go great with your dark red hair. F.D.' Since when did F.D. stand for Nora Valkyrie?"

"Maybe Cardin can't read," said Yang. "He should N.V. people who are more literate. Get it? Envy?"

"Meh, I guess it's better then your usual puns," said Ren.

"That's not saying much," said Nora.

"I know exactly what F.D. stands for," said Simmons. "By the way, where did Franklin Donut go all of a sudden?"

"I'm back!" said Donut. "Sorry for disappearing. I was polishing my armor. Oh, hey, handsome! I see you got my present."

Cardin clasped his hand to his mouth as his face turned green. "This has got to be a nightmare," he said. "Pyrrha, please hit me as many times as you like."

"As much as I despise you (and I don't use that word lightly)," said the invincible girl, "I think I'll side with Ruby on this one. The violence can wait until after New Years."

Cardin sniffed, then his nose suddenly wrinkled. "What's that smell?" he asked.

"Guys, I've been asleep for days!" said Grif, who had just entered the lounge. "I would have woken up earlier this morning if you had just nudged me."

"Good grief, did you wet your bed?" said Cardin.

"No, he just dunked his hand in a bucket of warm pee," said Caboose.

"Don't ask," said Tucker.

"It actually didn't taste any different from ordinary warm water," said Caboose.

Cardin gagged, then ran out of the room. The sound of vomit was audible from behind the door.

"Hey, come back!" said Donut. "You forgot to take my present!"

"It's probably for the best," said Simmons. "Your present probably would have been covered by the contents of his breakfast mixed with stomach acid."

"Why would anyone mix their food with acid before eating it?" asked Caboose.

"Okay, now that everyone's here," said Tucker, "I have something for Yang." He handed her a present.

Yang unwrapped the package to find a book inside. "Pun and Games, Volume Seven! Thanks, Tucker. More like, Volume Heaven!"

"Booo!" said Nora.

"Hey, that pun wad officially on the cover of its own book!" said Yang. "Anyway, I have something for you, Tucker."

Tucker opened the present that Yang gave him. "O. M. God! It's my very own sniper rifle! I really can't thank you enough, Yang!"

"Here you go, Ricky!" said Ruby, handing Simmons a present. Grif snickered at the nickname Ruby had just given Simmons.

"Wow, a new strategy board game!" said Simmons. "Thanks, Ruby! I can't wait to learn how to play."

"You didn't just give up your favorite board game, did you?" asked Yang.

"Of course not," said Ruby. "It's a copy."

Simmons gave Ruby his present. It turned out to be another slip if paper, but this one wasn't a coupon. Ruby read it out loud.

"My present to you couldn't fit in a box, and certainly not under the Christmas Tree. Follow me to claim your gift."

"Great," said Grif. "More walking. Thanks a lot, _Ricky_."

"_You_ are going to hit the showers," said Weiss.

"I'll get right on it," said Grif.

"She meant _use_ the shower," said Simmons, "by washing yourself thoroughly with lots of soap and water."

"Oh, come on!" said Grif. "You really should have clarified that sooner."

"I'm looking forward to seeing your gift, Ricky," said Ruby. "But first, there are more presents under the tree for other people. I can wait."

"_You_ can't, smelly yellow one," said Weiss.

"I'm orange!" said Grif.

"I wasn't talking about your armor color," said Weiss.

* * *

><p>Ten minutes later, Simmons led Ruby to a room containing various large objects hidden under blankets. Ruby removed the blankets to reveal several exercising machines.<p>

"Thanks, Ricky!" said Ruby cheerfully. "This'll be a great workout. Soon I should be able to breathe while my sister's around!"

"Why do all the diagrams have figures with their breasts highlighted?" asked Agent Washington.

"That's the diaphragm!" said Simmons. "I selected the machines that were specifically designed to increase muscular strength in the diaphragm. There's nothing erotic about that!"

"Like the foreigner?" said Ruby.

"That's exotic," said Weiss.

"Like the mutation?" said Ruby.

"That's erratic," said Yang.

Meanwhile, the undercover evil transfer students (who incidentally were responsible for Tukson's death) were having their own low profile Christmas celebration.

"Merry Christmas, Omega," said Cinder. "I have a special present just for you."

"You realize I can't open it without hands," said Mercury's scroll. "I hope it's a new body. But even then, it would be a catch 22 paradox."

"Maybe if you turned Wi-Fi back on, you could take a peak," said Mercury.

"Permission granted," said Cinder.

The screen on Mercury's scroll flickered as Omega disappeared from it. The large Christmas package started shaking like a hatching egg. A cobalt blue robot body dramatically burst out of the box.

"I'm back, *****es!" said Omega. "Oh, for crying out loud!"

"Yeah, about that," said Emerald. "Atlas military droids come with a standard profanity filter."

"That's a disturbing coincidence," said Omega. "I guess kiss-*** minds think alike. Oh well, at least I have a proper body. It's only fitting that I return the favor with the greatest gift I have to offer. It's called sparing the lives of three stooges in the same room as me!"

"Gee, thanks," said Mercury, rolling his eyes. "We'll be sure to treasure it."

"How much longer do you plan to be in the same room?" asked Emerald.

"That was rather rude," said Omega. "I'm hurt! Oh, who am I kidding? I have places to go and people to murder brutally! BWA HA HA HA HA!"

* * *

><p><em>You're probably wondering why I posted this chapter early on December 21, 2014. It turns out that today is winter solstice. I wanted to time it for the moment of solstice (11:03 PM GMT), but I won't be available to use the internet at that time, even if I'm awake in my local time zone.<em>

_I am hoping to abide by the following schedule for future chapters (no promises, but I am feeling hopeful, ambitious and nerdy):_

_Chapter 5: PSA - Christmas_

_Chapter 6: Return to the plot - New Year's (I might actually be able to time it at midnight GMT)_

_Subsequent chapters - Wing it (unless I come up with a plan between today and New Year's)_


	5. PSA: Crossovers

"Hello! I'm Ruby Rose from Rooster Teeth's popular new web series, RWBY!"

"And I'm Vanessa Kimball from a much older but still popular Rooster Teeth web series, Red vs Blue."

"And we're here to give a Public Service Announcement on how to make a successful crossover!" said Ruby.

"But first we need to clarify the disclaimer," said Kimball. "This crossover was written by a nerdy FanFic writer who does not own any rights to Rooster Teeth products."

"Now that that's out of the way," said Ruby, "our first major topic in making crossovers is character voices."

"If both cartoons being crossed over are written by the same company," said Kimball, "chances are that multiple characters will be voiced by the same actor."

"You can confirm these common actors in the end credits," said Ruby.

"Yes, but nobody..." said Kimball, who suddenly realized that her voice was too high-pitched. She cleared her throat. "Yes, but nobody sits through those. And even if they do, you should still try to keep them guessing during the production. To do that, the actor should practice throwing his or her voice in different ways."

"YANG! YANG!" shouted Ruby in a high-pitched voice. "In order to throw your voice, specific vocal exercises help train your voice into the right mood. And now, Professor Goodwitch will explain another way to um...obf...ob..."

"Obfuscate," said Kimball.

"Right," said Ruby. "Do that to characters with common actors. Take it away, Professor!"

"Thank you, young lady," said Glynda Goodwitch. "In addition to throwing your voice, you should also be creative with character personalities, by making them as different as possible."

"Actually, I think we're about the same," said Agent Tex. "And I never thought I'd say that."

"Then save your breath," said Goodwitch. "I, for one, would never enter an unfamiliar civilization where I start shooting everything that moves."

As Goodwitch finished her sentence, her reflexes allowed her to dodge a bullet from Tex. She responded by waiving her staff at a nearby moving van, lifting it into the air. The van landed on top of Tex, who was able to support its massive weight with her bare hands. She lifted the van and threw it at Goodwitch, who waved her staff again, diverting the van's path through the air. The van landed on its wheels, appearing perfectly undented.

* * *

><p>"Those two really should work out their differences," said Jaune, who had bruises all over his body. "But I'm sure they can handle themselves and each other. Meanwhile I should try to get away from this lunatic."<p>

"Round eight: Felix," said the aforementioned lunatic, referring to himself in the third person. "Want to make it best nine out of seventeen?"

"To be honest, no," said Jaune. "You win. Please just take your trophy and leave."

"I don't need a trophy!" said Felix. "Beating people up is its own reward."

"I hate you," said Jaune.

"Hey Felix, Why don't you beat up Cardin Winchester?" said Pyrrha, who had just arrived on the scene. "Then you'll be giving him a taste of his own medicine."

"Hey, I'm not done with you yet!" said Agent Carolina. "I'm not giving up until I beat you!"

"Wow," said Jaune. "You two really are opposites. You're a good fighter, Carolina, but I've never seen Pyrrha hold a grudge. Well, technically I've never even seen her lose, but I don't think that really has anything to do with it. Also, your voices sound a bit too similar, even for a common actress."

Carolina ignored Jaune and threw a knife in Pyrrha's direction. Pyrrha used her polarity semblance to adjust the knife's trajectory slightly.

* * *

><p>"Yeah, those mercenaries from Blue vs Red are pretty awesome," said Caboose. "But what about everyone's favorite Blues and Reds from Bloodgulch?"<p>

"You really aren't going to like the answer to that one Caboose," said a green haired teacher who spoke very quickly after zooming in at lightning speed.

"Mister Oobleck, where did you come from?" asked Caboose.

"I'm _Doctor_ Oobleck," corrected the teacher. "If you're going to forget about my PhD at least have the decency to call me Professor!"

"Okay, Mister Professor," said Caboose.

"As you can see Caboose is a perfect example of my exact opposite," said Oobleck. "Not only is he retarded but he is also - retarded! Retarded in the literal sense meaning slow, which applies to his learning curve and reaction time.

"But not just any idiot can be a comedian," continued Oobleck, pausing between his turbo speed sentences only to take a sip of coffee. "There is an art to creating a comic relief stupid character. You must find a creative way for the character's low I.Q. to manifest."

"Wait a minute," said Caboose. "Is your name an acronym for my name?"

"I believe the word you're looking for is 'anagram' and no," said Oobleck, "Bartholomew Oobleck is not an anagram for Michael J. Caboose. There is only a slight similarity in one of the syllables if you write it backwards but other than that they are completely different. Except that both of our last names sound somewhat silly but not as much so as Caboose's brain.

"Class I want an essay on my desk tomorrow explaining your opinion on whether or not Caboose's examples of stupidity are of any more comedic value than the 'look at all the pretty colors' cliche. You must elaborate on your argument either way."

* * *

><p>"Hey," said Grif. "You're not in Red vs Blue or RWBY!"<p>

"Arrg!" said the Cor-Pirate. "I be invading from X-Ray and Vav! Soon I be the supreme leader of a three-way crossover!"

"Wouldn't that take actual work?" asked Grif.

"Arrg, it be hard work indeed," said the Cor-Pirate. "But it be worth it."

"I'm sorry, but I don't speak your language," said Grif.

"Fine," grumbled the Cor-Pirate. "It _is_ worth it."

"Still lost on me," said Grif.

"So the problem be not the fact that I be using the identity verb strictly in the infinitive," said the Cor-Pirate.

"Actually I was exaggerating," said Grif, "but I really have no idea what you said just now."

* * *

><p>"So, Blake," said Doctor Gray, "have you ever had any interest in becoming a surgeon?"<p>

"I can't say you've been a big inspiration," said Blake. "Especially after you used your knowledge of physiology to cut someone open without anesthesia when he wasn't even injured, just to torture him."

"Well, he did provoke my ugly side," said Gray. "Plus, the information I got out of him was priceless!"

"If I believed that the ends justified the means, I wouldn't have even considered quitting the White Fang," said Blake.

* * *

><p>"Achoo!" sneezed Lieutenant Katie Jensen.<p>

"Gesundheit," said Yang. "Do you have a cold?"

"No, I'm jutht allergic to everything," said Jensen. "I'm kind of a mithfit."

"Sorry to hear that," said Yang.

"Hello?" said Weiss, standing in the middle of an empty fighting arena. "Why is it so quiet? I don't want to have wasted a round-trip airship ticket!"

* * *

><p>"Oh, that reminds me," said Ruby. "Our next crossover topic is much more widely discussed: shipping!"<p>

"One of the popular targets for shipping is a pair of people who have absolutely no reason to date each other," said Kimball. "Such as Simmons with pretty much any girl. Or Tucker with any girl who has a sense of self respect."

"Hey, for once," said Tucker, "I respect Yang as much as she respects herself."

"What do you mean, 'for once?'" asked Yang.

"Uh, I meant 'for one girl,'" said Tucker. "Not to be confused with one limited-time offer."

"That's only slightly reassuring," said Yang.

Don't worry. You won't remember this when you return to the actual plot. Not that the plot is canon to Rooster Teeth's actual work.

"Did ComputerNerd just break the fourth wall in the wrong direction?" asked Agent Washington.

Yes. Yes I did. Hopefully we can patch up the fourth wall by New Year's.

"Anyway, shipping doesn't need to be straight," said Kimball. "Gay shipping is also quite popular."

"I will do whatever it takes to win Cardin's heart!" said Donut.

"Of course," said Ruby, "Cardin seems to fall under the category of an unlikely or even impossible relationship."

"On the other hand," said Kimball, "a one-sided attraction doesn't seem that far-fetched for Donut."

"And now for some special closing words from my adorable boyfriend, the other proud computer nerd!" said Ruby.

"Thanks, proudly quirky girlfriend!" said Simmons. "When writing any story about interplanetary contact, it's probably best to ignore the implications of probability completely. Everyone in the universe speaks English, except for Mexican robots and an entire alien species known simply as 'aliens.' Also, every inhabited planet has a 24-hour day, and takes 365 days to orbit its respective sun. The seasonal equinoxes and solstices of each planet are also synchronized. Well, at least their northern hemispheres have the same seasons, but I might as well ignore that detail too. The only time to mention variations is for pointless humor, such as daylight savings time being only three minutes."


	6. New Year's Revolution

_Nora: This is an enormous ripoff on a plagiarism website!_

_Ren: It's a fan-based parody on a __non-profit website__._

_Nora: Red vs Blue and JNPR..._

_Ren: RWBY._

_Nora: ...are the exclusive properties of the Rooster Teeth empire!_

_Ren: Rooster Teeth is also mostly non-profit._

_Nora: Please arrest these petty thieves and recover the stolen property!_

_Ren: Please support the official release._

* * *

><p>Most of the space troopers were spending New Year's Eve at their Beacon exchange dorms, watching the Vale Schnee Communication Tower countdown on television.<p>

"Where's Tucker?" asked Sarge.

"He's having dinner with Yang," answered Wash.

"Where's Simmons?" asked Sarge.

"He's having dinner with Ruby," answered Lopez, in Spanish as usual.

"No he's not," said Donut. "He's having dinner with Ruby."

"Shut up," said Lopez.

"Where's Grif?" asked Sarge.

"He's been asleep for hours," said Doctor Gray.

"Dag nammit!" said Sarge. "Lazy as always. At least I don't have to pity the girl who has to smell him."

"And who's fault is that?" said Carolina.

"Men!" said Wash, putting on a fake southern accent. "It has come to mah attention that Captain Grif is extremely smelly! Let's punish him by making him even smellier so we can all have a good laugh!"

"I didn't realize you were so good at impressions," said Carolina. "You'd think I'd have noticed that kind of talent during our Freelancer training."

"Maybe he can only do impressions of Sarge," suggested Church.

"He does make it pretty easy," admitted Wash, while Sarge grumbled under his breath.

"Oh! Oh! Let me try!" said Caboose. "Arrg! Ye be the smelliest scurvy dog ever!"

"What in Sam Hill was that supposed to be?" said Sarge.

"Exactly what I expected from Caboose at this point," answered Church. "He's surprisingly consistent about that one."

"Blimey!" said Caboose in a heavy British accent. "That Grif bloke is such a lazy whanker!"

"...Most of the time," said Church.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, at a romantic restaurant...<p>

"Should I call you Tucker or Lavernius?" asked Yang.

"That's entirely up to you," said Tucker. "My first name sounds pretty complicated for some people. Mostly Caboose. He easily gets tuckered out trying to say it."

Yang laughed. "I was actually thinking of that pun. To be honest, I was afraid to say it out loud."

Meanwhile, on the roof of the same restaurant...

"So then the instructor came in," said Sun, "and said to Neptune, 'You dance like a monkey!' And then Neptune said, 'Thanks! That was the nicest compliment anyone here has ever given me!'"

Blake laughed harder then she ever had since the food fight against Team JNPR.

"How about you, Blake?" said Sun. "Do you have any funny memories?"

"You know I spent most of my life in the White Fang," said Blake, "which I'm not supposed to talk about."

"Sure you can," said Sun. "Just don't talk about what the enemy is doing right now. Did you ever have a good laugh?"

"Well, there was that time several years ago when I was sparring with Adam," said Blake. "I was somewhat of a rookie at the time. I messed up on my semblance. Adam landed a successful blow on the real me while my shadow clone successfully dodged, only to disappear a split second later. After Adam helped me get up, he said, 'Blake, pull yourself together!'"

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Weiss, Neptune and Team JNPR were on a dance floor. The song "Shine" was playing in the background.<p>

Baby! It's time to make up your mind...

Five of the six dancers were perfectly synchronized with their complex dance moves. Neptune was constantly tripping over himself. What few dance moves he had managed to make correctly were several seconds late after copying off the other five.

"Weiss, don't you think you were going a little overboard with this song?" asked Nora.

"Actually, this whole thing was specifically Neptune's request," said Weiss.

"It's true," said Neptune.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, at a geeky food court that was part of a larger arcade...<p>

"Ruby," said Simmons, "I just wanted to tell you that you're the coolest girlfriend I've ever had."

"I thought I was the first," said Ruby.

"True," said Simmons, "but even if I had dated other girls, you'd still be the coolest."

"It's okay, Ricky," said Ruby. "I've never had a boyfriend before either."

"I guess that makes me the smartest boyfriend you've ever had," said Simmons.

"Hey, they're about to start the ten second countdown to midnight!" said Ruby.

Meanwhile, back at Beacon...

"Ten!" said Caboose. "Eleven! Uh, I mean...seven! Eight! KEEGAKERGERK!"

Church transferred himself from Carolina to Caboose in order to keep Caboose's helmet muted long enough for everyone else to count down.

"FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!"

Suddenly there was a massive cliché power outage. The power was restored after about five seconds, at which point the television showed an emergency news report.

"This just in, creatures of Grimm have been seen crossing our borders from every direction. It seems someone has sabotaged the protective barriers. It is still unclear how an entire circumference could be sabotaged simultaneously.

"Wait a minute. I am just getting word that remotely detonated bomb shells have been sighted around the borders. Several teams of huntsman and huntresses are doing everything they can to fight off the invading Grimm.

"Some of them have expressed concern regarding a pack of Beowolves that have been seen breaking into a news studio. They describe the man in the studio as a dim-witted news reporter who takes his job way too seriously and probably can't recognize himself in a mirror, not to mention a live camera feed.

"I am receiving an increasing volume of reports that the Beowolves are advancing on the room where a clueless idiot is about to get mauled on camera. This just in, the Beowolves have entered the room and are now tearing apart their helpless victim.

"Investigators say that this could be the first of many studios under...hang on..."

An Ursa had just bust through the door of the recording booth. The reporter grabbed his microphone, transformed it into a weapon and obliterated the Ursa.

"As you can see, I'm not that incompetent," said the reporter. "So there's really no need for a blue Atlesian Knight 200 to assist me."

Without warning, the blue battle droid assassinated the reporter.

"Think Omega's behind this?" asked Sarge.

"It's a little early to be jumping to conclusions," said Agent Washington.

"This just in!" said the Atlesian Knight. "You're all gonna ****ing die! Every single ****ing one of you mother-****ing *****es and sons of *****es are going to taste **** when your ***es are ****ed into ****ing ****-****-********** of eternal ****! BWA HA HA HA HA!"

"It's Omega," said Agent Carolina.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, in a nearby exchange student dorm room...<p>

"So, what now?" asked Emerald. "Are we going to play double agents, like when we arrested Roman?"

"No," said Cinder. "let's let Omega have his fun."

"Is that some kind of New Year's Resolution?" asked Mercury.

"Hardly," said Cinder, with a slight hint of a cold chuckle. "More like a late and extra Christmas present."

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, on the roof of the momentarily ex-romantic restaurant...<p>

"I guess I'll have to let you renew my coupon," said Blake.

"Sure, but no doubling," said Sun. "After all, it wasn't your fault."

"Agreed," said Blake.

* * *

><p>"Well, Ruby," said Simmons, "you wanted the violence to wait until New Year's, and here it is."<p>

"I said _after_ New Year's!" said Ruby. "I didn't mean at the first available second!"

* * *

><p>All the space troopers assembled in the square with Team RWBY and several other teams of Huntsmen and Huntresses.<p>

"Why did I have to get out of bed?" complained Grif. "You could have fought more easily without carrying my weight. It's a win-win!"

"On the contrary," said Sarge, "you could very well be our most important asset!"

"I really don't follow," said Simmons.

"If Omega tries to possess one of us," explained Sarge, "he'll probably try to use his host body as a meat shield, thinking that we can't kill him without killing one of our own!"

"I see where this is going," said Grif. "And there's a one in eleven chance of Omega possessing me."

"One in nine, actually," said Church. "I'm already an A.I. currently implanted in Carolina. Also, if Omega possesses the same body as I do, I'm prepared to restrain him by reassembling myself."

"Does Omega know that?" asked Simmons.

"Why do you think he abandoned Caboose's body as soon as I jumped in?" said Church.

"We could just turn off all our radios," said Lopez. "That way Omega can't infect us."

"Lopez, stop changing the subject!" said Sarge. "We're trying to discuss how to deal with Omega!"

"I hate you," said Lopez.

"We could just turn off all our radios," said Simmons.

"I hate all of you," said Lopez.

"Enemy approaching!" said Blake.

"How can you tell?" asked Grif. "It's too dark to see very far."

"Not for a faunus," said Weiss.

"Ix-nay on the aunus-fay in ublic-pay," grumbled Blake.

"Dearly beloved!" said Omega when he entered the square. "We are gathered here this morning to pay our final, and first, respects...in advance! BWA HA HA HA HA!"

"Why does your new body have Church's old armor color?" asked Agent Washington.

"Hey Wash, it's one thing for you to take the words right out of my mouth," said Church, "but you're the last person who should be pointing that out."

"Oh!" said Caboose. "That reminds me of a poem I wrote to help remember our armor colors!"

"Now really isn't the time!" said Blake.

"Sergeant is red," said Caboose. "Grif is orange. I wear blue, and Tucker wears nothing."

"What the ****?" said Grif and Tucker simultaneously.

"Well every time I ask what rhymes with orange..." started Caboose.

"We're fighting against a demented robot who wants to kill everyone on the planet," interrupted Weiss, "and you're arguing about armor color? Show some perspective!"

"I'll show you perspective!" said Omega. "This planet is too small! I'm about to leave this God-forsaken rock. Then I'll be taking my beautiful pets to see the rest of the universe!"

"Your pets?" repeated Blake. "The Grimm hate machines as much as they hate their creators. You can't just march them onto your spaceship. They'll tear it apart after they tear you apart!"

"Unless we tear you apart first!" said Tucker, activating his energy sword.

"I don't need a spaceship!" said Omega, activating a huge portal.

"I really hate those things," said Tucker.

Suddenly the portal flickered, then shut down.

"No!" cried Omega. "I had all the calculations worked out perfectly!"

Pyrrha Nikos lowered her hand, having used her semblance to create electromagnetic interference in the portal generator.

"Couldn't you have used your polarity to toss that metal creep around like a rag doll?" asked Jaune.

"And concentrate on him continuously while the creatures of Grimm advance?" said Pyrrha. "I think I'll stick with my current strategy."

"You're just trying to stay subtle," said Nora. "You can't hide your semblance forever."

"No, I think Pyrrha has the right idea," said Ren, posing for battle against the incoming Grimm.

"You know what?" said Omega, tinkering with the portal generator. "**** perfection! I still have the calibrations necessary to scatter these beautiful creatures to several different planets! BWA HA HA HA HA!"

The portal reopened, allowing most of the invading Grim through. It also seemed to have a strong electromagnetic attractive force, which was particularly effective on Omega and the Reds and Blues.

"Ricky!" cried Ruby as the armored foreigners were sucked into the portal. She darted after them. The rest of Team RWBY followed.

"We should help them too!" said Jaune.

Unfortunately, the portal collapsed as soon as Team RWBY had gone through.

"So, Pyrrha," said Jaune, "are you as good at fixing machines as you are at shorting then out? No offense."

"Not if the machine is advanced alien portal technology," answered Pyrrha.

"Salutations!" said a voice from behind Team JNPR. "I'm tech-support ready!"

"Penny," said General Ironwood. "You need to stop wandering off!"

"It's okay, sir!" said the doll-faced android. "This isn't combat. I should be able to fix this in no time! _Hic!_ Okay, it could take a while, but I think I see the places where the damage occurred."


	7. A Grimm Fate

_Arrg! The following be an original work of art! Anything resembling Rooster Teeth products be entirely coincid-AAAAARG!_

_X-Ray: Nice try. Pull a stunt like that again and there won't be anything left resembling you!_

_Vav: So, should we start over with the disclaimer, or just imply that it's the exact opposite of what the Cor-Pirate just said?_

_X-Ray: That, and please support the official release._

* * *

><p>Tucker found himself lying on the ground of a planet he recognized as Sidewinder. He stood up, remembering what had happened back on Remnant. Tucker looked down at his armor, knowing what to expect. Sure enough, his armor was covered in black.<p>

After hearing a roar behind him, Tucker turned around to see an Ursa advancing toward him. He grabbed the handle of his energy sword and gave it a flick.

Nothing happened. The sword remained nothing more than a handle.

"C'mon, this has never happened to me before!" said Tucker. "Not to mention that it's about to cost me my life!"

Suddenly a bullet hit the Ursa from the side, knocking it sideways. The Ursa stood up, then ran towards the source of the shot. Tucker saw the Ursa swipe its claw at another black-armored figure, who dodged by cartwheeling to the side. The soldier then unloaded more ammo into the Ursa, killing it.

"You should stay clear of the area," said the soldier with a female voice.

"Yeah, no kidding, Tex," said Tucker.

"I'm not Tex!" said the soldier. "Although I suppose I should take it as a compliment that you confused me for my sworn rival."

"Carolina?" said Tucker. "Did your armor get hit with the black stuff too?"

"It's just my armor enhancement," said Carolina. "I can change color. Although I can't seem to control it right now."

"Maybe you should ask Church for help," said Tucker.

"Do I know you?" asked Carolina.

"I'm Tucker! My armor gets covered in black stuff every time I go through a portal. Didn't you at least recognize my sword?"

"I thought Tucker had dropped it and someone else had picked it up," said Carolina. "You do seem to be having as much trouble turning it on as anyone who isn't Tucker."

"Maybe Church can shed some light on that too," suggested Tucker.

"Yeah, about that..." said Carolina. "Church isn't here."

"What do you mean, 'not here?'" asked Tucker.

"What do you think?" said Carolina. "When I woke up, Epsilon wasn't online."

* * *

><p>Ruby woke up to find herself lying in a creek on an alien planet. She looked around, then something caught her eye. She quickly pointed her Crescent Rose rifle at the cobalt blue Atlesian Knight 200 in front of her.<p>

"Whoah, chill out!" said the droid. "It's me, Church. I somehow wound up in Omega's body."

"Oh, okay," said Ruby. "Sorry about that."

"Seriously? That's it?" said Church. "You're not going to tell me to prove I'm not Omega?"

"Nope," said Ruby.

"You know," said Church, "your naive trust will get you into a lot of trouble someday, even if today isn't that day."

"I'm sure if you were Omega, you wouldn't bother warning me about that," said Ruby.

"Unless that's what I wanted you...never mind," said Church.

"Why are there a bunch of dead bodies?" asked Ruby, referring to all the red and blue soldiers lying motionless on the ground.

"I swear they were like that when I found them," said Church.

Suddenly the sound of trumpets played the tune of Reveille. The soldiers sprang to their feet and ran to their respective color bases.

"I guess they weren't dead," said Ruby.

"I think I've figured out who these guys are," said Church. "It's hard to tell if they even can die."

"Kill the reds! Kill the reds!" chanted the blues.

"The only good blue is a dead blue!" said the reds.

"Wow," said Ruby, "The reds and blues here really seem to hate each other for some reason."

"Imagine that," said Church sarcastically.

Ruby and Church followed the reds to their base. One of the reds noticed Ruby and stared at her in awe.

"It's the almighty goddess of the red flag!" exclaimed the infamous Red Zealot.

"Uh, what?" said Ruby.

"Congratulations, Ruby!" said Church, keeping a safe distance. "You're a deity now."

"I don't want to be the goddess of anything!" said Ruby.

"Surely this is proof of your divinity!" said the Red Zealot. "Only a true deity would deny her own holiness!"

"Um, did I say I wasn't the goddess?" asked Ruby. "You must have misheard me. I'm totally the goddess."

"My sincerest repentance, oh holy one!" said the Red Zealot. "Can you ever forgive me?"

"Give it a rest," said a different red.

"Silence, blasphemer!" said the Red Zealot.

"When reverse psychology backfires, it really backfires," said Ruby out loud, with every intention of the Red Zealot hearing her.

"You realize you're trying to waste a glorious opportunity, right?" said Church.

* * *

><p>"Stu Stuman here reporting live once again. To all the Grifball fans out there, I apologize for my long hiatus. I hope I'm pronouncing that correctly. You see, I've been taking lessons to improve my pronounciation.<p>

"Wait...This just in, my teacher is on the other line, telling me it's 'pronunciation.' Well, that was an embarrassing existential error. I hope I'm pronuncing that correctly...What do you mean, it's 'pronouncing?' Which is it?"

"I never thought I'd say this," said Sarge after seeing a Grifball match on TV, "but I sure am glad we brought Grif here!"

"You already said that years ago," said Caboose. "Also, Grif with two effs isn't here. Only five of us made it. You, me and Lopez."

"That's three, you idiot!" said Sarge. "So where is Lopez?"

"Oh, he's been with me the whole time," said Caboose.

"Lopez!" said Sarge. "Why didn't you say anything?"

Lopez tried to speak, but his voice sounded like a broken record suck on an interval of one tenth of a second.

"The portal must have shorted out his speech unit," said Sarge.

Lopez finally managed to unjam his speech unit. "Kondo wa ichiban ja nai."

"Hmm," said Sarge. "That doesn't sound like Spanish."

"If this isn't the first time," said Caboose, "then when did your speech thing short out?"

"Nani...anata wa Nihongo ga wakaru?!" exclaimed Lopez.

"I do?" replied Caboose. "Oh my God! I know Japanese! I should find someone Japanese to talk to."

"Let me get this straight," said Sarge. "You understand Japanese, but you can't actually tell the difference between Japanese and English?!"

"Anata wa motto mo omou koto yori kore ga wakaru," said Lopez.

"What did he say?" asked Sarge.

"He said that this makes more sense than most of the stuff you imagine," said Caboose. "Didn't you hear him?"

* * *

><p>Weiss, Yang and Agent Washington looked around at the planet they had landed on. Wash activated his galactic positioning system to identify the planet.<p>

"It can't be," he said. "Am I on Earth?"

"You know this planet?" asked Yang.

"Of course!" said Wash. "It's the origin of the human race before we started colonizing other planets."

"I remember learning that Remnant was at the edge of colonized space," said Weiss. "I tried to do more history research, but it was lost to the ages."

"Nerd," said Yang.

"Never fear, princess!" said a random figure with a bright red caped outfit and goggles. "Captain Dynamic has come to the rescue!"

"Rescue from what?" asked Weiss.

"Why, from the weather forecast, of course!" said Captain Dynamic. "In a few minutes, it will start raining! But this umbrella could be yours to protect you! All I ask for compensation is my very own ice castle. Not literally made of ice, mind you, but with an icy theme to it."

"You want me to buy an umbrella...For a castle?!" said Weiss.

"No, I want you to _rent_ an umbrella for a castle!" said Captain Dynamic. "Just until the rain ends. I'll be keeping the castle, of course. Oops, too late. The rain has started."

"Hey Wash," said Yang, "aren't you gonna say it?"

"Say what?" asked Wash.

"You know," said Weiss, "that catch phrase that ends with an adverb redundantly phrased in two different ways?"

"Oh, that," said Wash. "He doesn't deserve the dignity."

"Ooh, burn!" said Yang.

Suddenly a Beowolf came charging at Captain Dynamic, who promptly wet his tights. Yang shot the creature with her Ember Celica gauntlets. The Beowolf turned and ran towards Yang, but was ambushed by a stab from Weiss's Myrtnaster sword.

Unfortunately, another Grimm attack was underway in the form of a Nevermore. But before the giant bird could land its attack, it seemingly froze in midair.

Weiss tried to jump at the Nevermore, but was unable to reach high enough. "My glyphs! They're not working!"

The Nevermore was then hit by a red laser beam, sending it crashing into a wall. After it flopped onto the ground, Weiss finished it with a stab.

Yang noticed two more caped figures in the direction from which the laser was fired.

"Nothing says teamwork quite like assisted self-rescue!" said the one with a British accent.

"I gotta hand it to you, Vav," said the figure with glasses, "that was a pretty solid one-liner."

"You dastardly fiends!" said Captain Dynamic.

"Actually, X-Ray and I are superheroes," said Vav.

"Clearly this was a conspiracy to humiliate me by setting me up to be rescued by a couple of damsels!" complained Dynamic.

"Suddenly I feel much more secure being called 'Ice Queen,'" said Weiss.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, on Sidewinder...<p>

"Maybe if we can find the others," said Tucker, "Church could be with one of them."

"Good luck with that," said Carolina. "I don't think they're on Sidewinder. I looked everywhere I could, but I think we got separated by the portal."

"Speaking of the portal," said Tucker, "maybe this black stuff only affects aqua armor."

"Tucker," said Carolina, "you should look down at yourself."

Tucker looked down, realizing that his armor had suddenly become aqua. "I don't believe it! The black stuff just disappeared...and now it's back."

"I think I just figured out what happened to my armor enhancement," said Carolina.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, at Battle Creek...<p>

"Kill the reds! Kill the reds!" chanted the blues.

"We have kidnapped your deity!" said the Red Zealot. "Now ours will deliver her divine justice!"

"Great," said Church. "The only person here who recognizes me as a god is the enemy of my alleged subjects."

"Church, this is no time to be jealous!" said Ruby.

Suddenly a Death Stalker ran into Battle Creek. The reds and blues stopped shooting each other and looked at the giant scorpion.

"Is this some kind of plot twist?" asked one of the blues.

"Um, yeah," said Ruby. "You need to set aside your differences and work together to destroy a rampant killing machine!"

"The red goddess has spoken!" said the Red Zealot. "Now it all makes sense that she would fraternize with the blue god!"

"Whatever," said a blue. "Let's just get this over with."

The Death Stalker stabbed its stinger into the ground. A weird chain reaction sent vibrations toward the cliff wall, releasing a rock slide rolling straight towards Ruby.

"Super speed, super speed!" she said, running as quickly as most of her team's top speed. "C'mon, semblance, don't fail me now!"

"Ruby, NO!" shouted Church as the rocks piled on top of Ruby.

"The almighty red flag goddess has fallen!" cried the Red Zealot. "The apocalypse is nigh! Repent! Repent!"

"SHUT UP!" screamed Church. "That was my friend who just got crushed!"

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, on Earth...<p>

"We should get back to our headquarters," said X-Ray. "Rusty should be here shortly."

"Who's Rusty?" asked Wash.

"He's our chauffeur, among other things," said Vav.

Suddenly Weiss saw a truck driving straight towards her. Yang pushed her out of the way. Weiss watched in horror as the truck ran over Yang instead. For a split second, Weiss could have sworn she saw a second Yang emerge from the first one, launching herself into the air.

"For God's sake, Rusty!" said Vav. "Where did you get your driver's license?!"

Yang landed on her feet behind Rusty's van. "Weiss, did you see that?" she asked.

"You mean that van running you over?" said Weiss weakly.

"I thought I was going crazy," said Yang. "When did I get Blake's semblance?"


	8. Semblance Resemblance

_.sesaeler laiciffo eht troppus esaelP .hteeTretsooR fo stcudorp eht era YBWR dna eulB sv deR .revossorc desab-naf a si gniwollof ehT_

* * *

><p>Blake Belladonna and Dexter Grif had ended up in Bloodgulch. They were currently on the roof of Blue Base. It was unclear whether or not they had come directly through the portal behind them. Fortunately, the creatures of Grimm hadn't landed anywhere near said portal.<p>

Unfortunately, an Ursa had made its way to Blue Base and was running straight towards Blake. She readied her weapons, but before she could engage in battle with the Ursa, its nose twitched. The Ursa looked at Grif, then bolted away from Blue Base.

"Yeah, that's right!" said Grif. "You'd better keep running if you know what's good for you!"

"That Ursa wasn't afraid of you," said Blake. "It just couldn't stand the way you smell."

"You can't prove that!" said Grif. "Besides, I don't see you running away."

"It helps that I'm wearing a surgical face mask, in case you didn't notice," said Blake.

"Where did you get that?" asked Grif.

"From Doctor Grey," answered Blake. "I've been carrying them around since Christmas, just in case you got too close."

"You really don't hold back with insults," said Grif.

"You make it too easy," said Blake. She looked up. "Nevermore at twelve o'clock!"

"You mean in front of us," asked Grif, "or the literal twelve o'clock?"

"Neither," answered Blake. "I meant the vertical twelve o'clock. Directly overhead!"

Grif looked up at the giant bird flying downward towards them. "No problem," he said. "I bet that whatever-more won't come anywhere near me."

"The thing about birds," said Blake, "is that most of them have a much weaker sense of smell than most mammals, including humans."

Blake fired the gun function of her Gambol Shroud at the Nevermore, hoping to keep its attention away from Grif. As the giant bird dove towards her, Blake tried to activate her semblance. To her surprise, her shadow clone seemed to have done a better job than usual blocking the attack, as though the Nevermore had rammed into a brick wall.

Blake caught a brief glimpse of what had really blocked the Nevermore. It wasn't a shadow clone at all, but a giant snowflake-shaped glyph.

"Weiss?" said Blake, looking around for her teammate.

"I think _you_ did that," said Grif.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, on Earth...<p>

Weiss, Yang and Agent Washington had followed X-Ray, Vav and Rusty to Hilda's headquarters. Weiss and Yang found that their scrolls were compatible with the local Wi-Fi.

Weiss was currently reading the news. "It says here that the casualties caused by X-Ray and Vav's collateral damage has recently been reduced by...two percent?"

"You have got to be the worst superheroes, ever," said Wash. "Of all time."

"Hey!" said X-Ray. "Aren't you forgetting about Private Cheapskate?"

"The word 'superhero' never even applied to Captain Dynamic in the first place," said Wash.

"Point taken," said Vav. "That whancker is too afraid to rescue a cat from a tree."

"Hey, we used to do that, remember?" said X-Ray.

"Of course I remember," said Vav. "My point is that by the time he works up the courage to do something so simple, we'll have fought against fifty bad guys at once."

"If I might interrupt," said Hilda, "I think I can help you find your friends. I found a pretty bizarre lead while watching these two dorks play their video games."

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, at Battle Creek...<p>

"C'mon, you stupid piece of ****!" said Church, firing Ruby's Crescent Rose rifle at the Death Stalker. "AVENGE YOUR FALLEN MASTER!"

"We shall put our faith in the only deity left!" said the Red Zealot.

"Dude, you're taking this video game way too seriously," said one of the blues.

"Why do you think it's called 'Halo?'" said the Red Zealot.

"This isn't a game!" screamed Church, who was failing miserably to land a single hit on the Death Stalker. "MY FRIEND JUST DIED! Ow, the back of my head!"

One of the generic red soldiers had punched Church from behind. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY SISTER?!" screamed an angry female voice as the soldier continued to punch Church violently.

"Yang, hang on!" said a familiar male voice from a generic blue soldier. "I think that's Church, not Omega."

"How could you know that?" asked the red soldier who was apparently Yang.

"Have you seen Church use a sniper rifle before?" said the blue. "He has the worst aim ever. Of all time."

"Wash?" said Church. "How long have you and Yang been here?"

"Technically, never," said Wash. "We're on Earth, controlling these remote drone bodies with a video game console. The same is true for most of the players here, who probably assume it's just 3D CGI."

"Leftover experiment from Project Freelancer?" said Church.

"Yup," said Wash.

"Shouldn't we be focusing on that Death Stalker?" said another female voice from a blue soldier. "Those dunces don't stand a chance!"

"Weiss?" said Church.

"This really isn't the time for a reunion party!" said Weiss.

Suddenly, Ruby burst through the base of the rock slide. Her silver eyes had somehow turned blood red.

"I'll take that!" said Ruby, grabbing her Crescent Rose from Church as she ran past him.

"Ruby!" said Yang in delight. "I'm so glad you're alive!"

"On second thought," said Weiss, "This reunion is turning out way better than I thought."

Ruby ran straight towards the Death Stalker. Unfortunately, it knocked her into the air with its stinger, sending her crashing against a wall. Ruby fell to her feet, then stood upright and ran towards the Death Stalker again.

The giant scorpion swung its stinger at Ruby again, but this time Ruby held her ground as she grabbed the stinger, then flipped the whole thing upside down. Ruby then stabbed it in the eye with her Crescent Rose scythe.

"I think I'm noticing a pattern with our semblances," said Weiss.

"The almighty goddess of the red flag has risen as a phoenix!" said the Red Zealot. "Hope has been reborn! Rejoice! Rejoice!"

Ruby sheathed her Crescent Rose, then took a deep breath as her eyes resumed their natural silver.

"What kind of dunce would worship Ruby as a goddess?" asked a blue soldier with a voice that surprised Ruby.

"Weiss?" said Ruby.

"That's already been established!" said Weiss.

"You mean while she was buried in a rock slide?" asked Yang's sarcastic voice from a suit of red armor. "Or when she charged straight into battle against that Death Stalker?"

"Yang!" said Ruby joyfully. "Where did you get that armor?"

"We should probably do some catching up," said Agent Washington.

* * *

><p>It didn't take long for Blake to get the hang of Weiss's semblance. She had synergized with Weiss in previous battles, using the "checkmate" combo. By now she was jumping from one glyph to another, kicking the Nevermore's butt.<p>

After the Nevermore literally dropped dead, Blake and Grif heard an obnoxious female voice from inside blue base. "What's all the racket up there? Some of us are trying to get some...Dexter?"

"Sister?" said Grif. "You're alive! I knew Lopez was lying."

"Oh, he was lying alright," said a girl in yellow armor. "A lot of guys like to lie with me. Woot! Woot!"

"Lopez isn't quite what I'd call a guy," said Grif. "He's a robot."

"Oh," said Sister. "He sounds hot!"

"Stop that," said Grif. "That's really embarrassing."

"Hey, Grif?" said Blake.

_"Yes?"_ said both Grif siblings simultaneously.

"Sorry, I meant Dexter," said Blake. "You really aren't in a position to call your sister embarrassing. Does she not have a sense of smell?"

"I've hooked up with smellier guys before," said Sister. "I think it's kinda hot!"

"Yeah!" said Dexter. "Wait, what?"

"You're both disgusting," said Blake.

"Hey, not everyone is part human, part cat," said Dexter.

"You're part cat?" said Sister.

"Does _anyone_ in the universe know how to keep a secret?!" said Blake.

"So, are you, like, colorblind?" said Sister. "Because I'm completely colorblind. We could be the Colorblind Sisterhood!"

"I can see as much color as humans can in well-lit areas," said Blake. "I have color vision and night vision, but I can't use them at the same time. Also, even cats can see blue, and I've heard that most colorblind humans can distinguish more than that."

"No fair!" said Sister. "I can only see gray, and I can't see anything in the dark!"

"You're not going to re-evolve night vision that quickly," said Blake. "If the two were more compatible, humans probably never would have needed to devolve night vision while evolving color vision."

"Is everyone on your planet such a nerd?" asked Dexter.

"Grif!" said Simmons, running into Blue Base. "Thank God I found you! I could barely get away from the aliens, not to mention the creatures of Grimm."

"Speak of the devil," said Grif, "and he shall appear."

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, at the Grifball stadium...<p>

"Hey Stu," said Sarge, "have you seen anyone here who goes by the name Dexter Grif?"

"Spelled with two effs?" added Caboose.

"Ignore the idiot," said Sarge.

"Okay," said Caboose.

"Dexter Grif with one eff used to be our mascot," said Stu. "He was really eager to sign up for a job that would pay him a lot of money for as little work as possible."

"That kind of figures," said Sarge. "Where is he now?"

"How should I know?" said Stu. "He quit a while ago after suffering third degree burns."

"Then who's that over there?" asked Sarge.

"Oh please," said Caboose, "nobody's going to fall for that." Caboose hadn't noticed the guy in orange armor behind Stu. Unlike Grif, this guy has a vertical gray stripe on his helmet.

"Oh, this is our new mascot, Jones," said Stu. "I hope I'm pronouncing that correctly. It's not just me. It's a common name, but it's impossible to tell who pronounces it Jones versus Jo-en-ess."

"Actually, Stu, it's both," said Jones. "My first and last name are spelled the same. My full name is pronounced Jo-en-ess Jones."

"Keihou! Keihou!" said Lopez. "Reigen no seibutsu o midasu yo!"

"Alert! Alert!" translated Caboose. "Creatures of Grimm detected!"

"Omotta koto yori atama ga ii anata tabun," said Lopez.

"Maybe you're smarter than I thought," said Caboose.

"Ki ni shinai de," said Lopez.

"Never mind," said Caboose.

"Anata ni iu koto ga yakusu koto o yamete!" said Lopez.

"Stop translating what I say directly to you!" said Caboose.

"Baka na watashi," said Lopez.

"Don't call yourself an idiot!" said Caboose. "You shouldn't be so hard on yourself."

While Caboose and Lopez had been monkeying about, the Beowolf Lopez had detected earlier broke down the door and ran into the room, swiping its claw at Jones from behind.

"Ow, the back of my torso!" said Jones, collapsing.

"Oh no!" said Caboose. "Hang in there, Jones Jo-en-ess!"

"No..." wheezed Jo-en-ess Jones. "That's my cousin...blargh."

Sarge and Lopez were firing their guns at the Beowolf, but it didn't seem to have much effect. "Caboose!" said Sarge. "Help us out here!"

"I'm scared!" said Caboose.

"Don't be scared!" said Sarge, barely managing to hold off the Beowolf with his ammo. "Be angry!"

"I'm too scared to be angry!" said Caboose. "I am allergic to things that scare me!"

"You got dog allergies?" said Sarge. "Or just mean puppies covered in spikes? At least it's not a kitten!"

Suddenly Caboose started beating the ever-loving snot out of the Beowolf.

"Watashi no namae wa Michael J. Caboose! Kirai...na...language barriers!"

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, at Bloodgulch...<p>

Two aliens found their way to the sim troopers' Blue Base at Bloodgulch. Dexter Griff ran into another room. Sister and Simmons cowered in fear, but the aliens ran right past them and hid in a corner.

"I don't think these aliens were chasing you," said Blake. "They're probably hiding from the creatures of Grimm."

"I thought the Grimm were only interested in exterminating humans," said Simmons. "Or at least, humans and faunus."

"And technology," said Blake. "Those weapons the aliens are holding don't look natural."

"That'll do it," said Simmons. "These aliens literally worship technology."

"So like, are these Grimm things, like, Amish?" asked Sister. "That's not hot at all!"

_Author's note: Sister's comment does not necessarily reflect my personal opinion of the Amish. I hope I didn't offend any Amish people reading this._

Grif nervously came back into the room with everyone else. "Why is it so quiet in here?"

The two aliens looked at Grif, sniffed, then looked at each other. "Blarg? Honk honk shisno blarg honk!" They then ran out of Blue Base.

"That's the first time I've heard the aliens actually voice the word 'shisno,'" said Simmons. "Usually it's a combination of blargs and honks."

"What's a shisno?" asked Sister.

"It's an extraterrestrial animal whose feces produces its own feces," said Simmons.

"Sounds hot!" said Sister. "What's feces?"

"Butt candy," said Simmons. "Known simply as poop."

"Eww, never mind," said Sister.

"I can see why they would confuse Grif - that is, Dexter Grif - for one." said Blake.

"Do you really think I'm that smelly?" asked Dexter.

"What you smell like to me is probably what a shisno smells like to humans," said Blake.

"You're exaggerating, right?" said Dexter.

"No, the exaggeration would be the other way around," said Blake.

Suddenly they heard loud stomping from outside. Blake and Simmons went to the roof to investigate. They saw a few creatures of Grimm that resembled mammoths. Of course, calling them "giant mammoths" would have been redundant.

"Why did they plug their trunks?" asked Simmons.

"They must have gotten word about Grif's stench," said Blake. "Goliaths are among the most intelligent species of Grimm."

"Goliaths?" repeated Simmons. "Why are they called that?"

"Now's not the time!" said Blake, firing her Gambol Shroud gun at the Goliaths to no effect. The creatures continued to close in.

"Hey!" said Simmons. "Why don't you save room for dessert?"

To Blake's surprise, the Goliaths suddenly turned around and walked away.

"How the heck did you do that?!" asked Blake.

"I don't know!" said Simmons. "I panicked and said the first thing that came to mind!"

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, at Battle Creek...<p>

"Is there anyone else on Earth helping us remotely through this bizarre video game?" asked Church.

"Nobody you'd recognize," said Agent Washington.

"Are you kidding?" said a blue with a British accent. "Everyone should know who we are by now!"

"Correction: everyone on Earth, if we're lucky," said a red with an American accent.

"So who are you guys?" asked Ruby.

"Only the coolest superheroes you'll ever meet!" said the British blue.

"Yeah right," said Weiss.

The remote avatars of the two superheroes did their signature introduction pose, shouting in stereo, _"X-Ray, and Vav!"_

_Clink!_

"I am going to be seeing that in my nightmares," said Ruby.

"Honestly," said Church, "can't you be gay without being erotic in public? Especially in an MMORPG that's literally visible from space!"

"I still don't know what 'erotic' means," said Ruby, "but I think I've lost interest at this point."

"Wait a minute," said Yang. "If you two have logged in, then the only people we know who can still fight the Grimm on Earth are Hilda and Rusty."

"Don't forget about ORF!" said Vav.

Meanwhile, on Earth...

"Die, puny Grimm!" said Hilda's Orbicular Robotic Friend in a high-pitched voice of contextually disturbing cuteness. Her entire face was obliterating creatures of Grimm with a red laser beam. "Animal cruelty is fun!"

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, on Sidewinder...<p>

"Knock knock," said a soldier in white armor with a rather strong British accent.

"Who's there?" said Carolina, who had managed to get 90% of the black crust off of her armor.

"Wyoming."

"Wyoming who?" said Carolina, with exasperation in her voice.

"Actually, I couldn't think of a punchline," said Tucker, dropping the fake accent. "I just wanted to do an impression of Wyoming."

"Do I even want to know if you can imitate someone else?" asked Carolina.

Tucker turned his armor black, then added yellow trimmings. "I must defeat the Meta, even if it kills me! Now that I survived, I'm butt-hurt that I'm in prison for life. The only way out is to join forces with the Meta himself and stab my former allies in the back. Oh no, the Meta just stabbed me in the back! It's time to rebuild my former alliances."

"Why don't you stop impersonating Freelancer agents?" said Carolina, who had removed the rest of the black crust by now. "Just stick with your fellow sim troopers."

"I can do both," said Tucker, turning his armor aqua.

"Don't even think about an impression of me," said Carolina.

"I wasn't going to," said Tucker. "This is what my own armor looks like."

"You? A Freelancer agent?" laughed Carolina.

"Of course not," said Tucker. "See if you can guess. _Ahem._ I am pleased as punch that I have just enough time to tell you some vital information before I die. Oops, too late. I'm dead now, unless I somehow faked it. Blarg."

"Oh, right," said Carolina. "Florida."

"I kind of salvaged this armor from Captain Flowers when he died of a heart attack," said Tucker. "Or rather, when he faked his death, probably so he could continue to spy on the Alpha A.I. without rogue Freelancers suspecting that Agent Florida was Alpha's security detail, because he's dead."

"Hey Sherlock," said Carolina, "any interest in finding the rest of the team?"

"First I'd like to figure out more about my sword that stopped responding to me," said Tucker.

"Well, you did wind up with my armor enhancement," said Carolina. "Maybe someone else will be able to turn your sword on."

"Really? That thought never even crossed my mind!" said Tucker sarcastically. "Of course I know that! I'm just worried about who the sword will respond to. I swear, if it turns out to be Caboose, I'm gonna kill him. It had better not be Donut either."

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Donut was running through an abandoned urban jungle, trying to get away from the creatures of Grimm. Suddenly, he saw a familiar pile of wreckage.<p>

"Am I on Chorus?" he said. "I can't believe we made it back! Now we can get back to protecting the New Republic and Federal Army from the pirates! Unless...we've been gone for months. I hope I'm not too late! Hello? Kimball? Doyle? Uh-oh..."

Donut's loud voice had given away his position to the Creatures of Grimm. A Beowolf was running straight towards him.

Donut then saw a familiar orange cube. He grabbed it, then threw it straight at the Beowolf.

There was a binding flash of light, brighter then any of the previous teleportation grenades. When Donut's vision came back into focus, there were a lot more people in the area. Everyone in Donut's line of vision was a space pirate, including Felix and Locus.

"Where have you been all this time?" said Donut.

"I guess two seconds does feel like an eternity," said Felix sarcastically. "Especially when all your friends have vanished. I don't know why the teleportation grenade didn't work on you, but it doesn't matter. You're defenseless!"

"Two seconds?" said Donut. "Clearly there's been a misunderstanding. Several months have gone by!"

"I don't have time for your backstory," said Locus. "It's bad enough that I have to put up with Felix and his O.M.D."

"You mean O.C.D.," said Donut.

"No, I mean Obsessive Monologue Disorder," said Locus.

"Hey, my monologues are Oscar-worthy!" objected Felix.

"They're a liability," said Locus. "You always make it too easy for them to stall for...what the hell is that thing?!"

"Woah, language!" said Donut. "'That thing' has a sensitive ear for naughty words!"

"'Hell' is barely an expletive," said Felix as a pack of Ursae converged on the pirates and Donut. Suddenly, all the creatures of Grimm were sucked through the air with a force that resembled a giant vacuum cleaner. Donut was sucked in with them. The rest of the soldiers on Chorus were unaffected.

"Damn it!" said Felix. "I was just about to give the monologue of a lifetime! Now I'll never get an Oscar!"

"Thank God for that," said Locus.

Donut and the Grimm were sucked in directions that converged at a single point. They all disappeared into a rectangular portal.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, at Bloodgulch, Blake, Simmons and Dexter Grif were all sucked into the nearby Blue Base portal, followed by creatures of Grimm from every possible direction. The fabric of space seemed to compress near the portal, enough to let the Goliaths through. Sister was left behind with the technology-worshipping aliens.<p>

Meanwhile, on Earth...

"Miss Hilda!" said Vav after logging out of Project Freelancer's illicit Halo server. "Ruby and Church just got sucked into some kind of vortex, along with all the monsters!"

"Not only that," said X-Ray, "but Weiss, Yang and Wash just fell unconscious!"

"You mean their _avatars_ fell unconscious," corrected Hilda. "Their real bodies were forcefully disconnected when they too were sucked into a vortex, along with all the Grimm on Earth."

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, another portal opened up on Sidewinder. Neither Tucker nor Carolina were sucked into it, nor any of the creatures of Grimm. Instead, Team RWBY, a bunch more Grimm and eight armored space troopers were launched out of it.<p>

"It's Omega!" said Sarge. "Get 'im!"

"Hold on! I'm Church! I'm getting tired of explaining this."

"He's telling the truth," said Agent Washington. "Omega must have been separated from his body by the portal while Epsilon was separated from Carolina."

"Then Omega is probably possessing Carolina right now!" said Simmons.

"We don't know that for sure," said Ruby.

"I don't think anyone would be able to tell any noticeable difference," said Sarge.

"He's definitely not in Washington's head," said Church. "Wash would have taken extra precautions. He's too afraid to let an A.I. anywhere near him."

"Need I remind you, that's your fault, _Epsilon!_" said Wash.

"Calm down, everyone!" said Tucker. "Omega is definitely not possessing Carolina. If he were, she would have gone as ballistic as usual when someone says Tex's name. Last time I confused her for Tex, she took it as a compliment."

"Well, that works for me," said Wash.

"I only considered the possibility of a compliment," corrected Carolina.

"Do you want to clear your name, or not?" asked Tucker.

"Actually, I'd rather fight off the creatures of Grimm that are closing in on us," answered Carolina.

"Hey, where's Doctor Grey?" asked Donut.

Another portal suddenly opened. "Everyone!" said Doctor Grey's voice. "Get into the portal, but don't let any Grimm through!"

"I don't know how much help I can be without my sword," said Tucker. "That leaves six of us who know how to fight. They can keep the Grimm off the rest of us while we get through the portal."

"You mean seven of us," said Sarge. "As much as I hate to admit it, Wash is a pretty good fighter."

"I was already counting Wash as one of the six," said Tucker.

"You heard him, old man," said Grif, grabbing Sarge's arm. "Live to fight another day!" Grif ran into the portal at super speed, dragging Sarge with him.

"There goes my other armor enhancement," said Carolina.

"Or my semblance," said Ruby.

A Beowolf came charging at Tucker. Weiss darted between them at super speed and stabbed the Beowolf with her Myrtnaster sword.

"Actually, I think _that's_ my semblance," said Ruby.

"Stay focused!" said Weiss.

Wash and Carolina guarded the portal from the Grimm, while Team RWBY guarded the other troopers, escorting them to said portal.

After everyone was through the portal, they found themselves in what looked like a janitor's closet filled with portals. There they met Doctor Grey, who closed the Sidewinder portal.

"Tucker!" said Yang joyfully. "It's good to see you again!"

"Ricky!" said Ruby, running over to hug Simmons.

"It's good to see you too, Ruby," said Simmons. Then, while he and Ruby were hugging, Simmons suddenly grabbed Ruby's Crescent Rose, unfolded its scythe mode and used it to hold Ruby in a headlock. "Very good indeed! BWA HA HA HA HA!"

* * *

><p><em>Congratulations to "Guest" for the review that correctly predicted how Ruby survived the rock slide.<em>

_See if you can guess who currently has the power to activate Tucker's energy sword. Your reviews will not determine the outcome, but if you guess correctly, there will be cake._


	9. World of Remnant: Nerds

Nerds. Individuals of high intellect yet questionable social skills. While some people use the words "nerd" and "geek" interchangeably, others prefer to define geeks as having moderately quirky personalities, while defining nerds as downright social outcasts.

Every civilized planet seems to have nerds. In any case, there are some places where nerds can be found in particularly high concentrations. One such place is a fan fiction website.

Some nerdy fan fiction writers feel the obligatory need to insert a disclaimer into every chapter. The simplest way to do this is to copy and paste the same text regarding the non-profit fan-based parody, as well as the request to support the official release. However, some ambitious nerds find new, creative and dorky ways to say the disclaimer in character. This could also be interpreted as the characters of the story breaking the fourth wall.

Nerds of Remnant are very similar to nerds of Earth. Perhaps the most noticeable difference is that it is more likely for one to have athletic talent and still be a nerd.

Although not everyone on Remnant has what it takes to be a huntsman or huntress, those who do tend to be capable of fighting almost like second nature. Of course this increases with experience, but even in the early stages of training, it gives one the opportunity to devote time between battles to develop a unique personality.

However, one of the key necessities of huntsmen and huntresses is teamwork. This tends to be a major stumbling block for even the most capable of nerds. And with the rising threat of both global crime and the creatures of Grimm, not to mention recent extraterrestrial threats, teamwork may be more important now than ever before.

Several nerds may want to know the answers to questions about semblance, aura and the faunus. A fan fiction could attempt to answer these questions, but these answers are not canon. Rooster Teeth has the final say.


	10. Mega Omega Megalomania

_Salutations! The following is a fan-based crossover. Red vs Blue and RWBY are the wonderful creations of Rooster Teeth! Please support the wonderfully official release! Even though this parody is definitely even more wonderful. __**Hic!**__ Never mind.  
><em>

* * *

><p>"Uh-oh," said Caboose. "I think O'Malley is inside Simmons."<p>

"What was your first clue?" said Grif sarcastically.

"I don't know," said Caboose. "It was either the maniacal laughter or the way he's treating his girlfriend."

"I thought the A.I. was called Omega," said Weiss.

"Officially, yes," said Wash. "The nickname O'Malley is a blend of Omega and Allison."

"Shouldn't Omega be the nickname?" asked Donut. "O'Malley sound like more of a real name."

"Good question, Donut," said Church. "Why don't you ask the A.I. for his birth certificate?"

"Silence, fools!" said Omega Simmons. "Don't talk about birth in front of me. I hate it! I much prefer what happens at the other end! BWA HA HA HA HA!"

"Um, Guys?" said Ruby, whom Omega Simmons still had in a headlock with her own scythe. "I could really use a little help here!"

"I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation!" said Omega. "I can kill you faster than those fools can do anything to set you free!"

"Why haven't you killed her already?" asked Caboose.

"Shut...up...Caboose!" said Simmons, who had managed to regain control of his voice but not the rest of his body. "Don't give Omega any ideas!"

"Don't insult my intelligence, you fool!" said Omega, taking back control of Simmons' voice. "We're currently in a stalemate. Whoever makes the first move will create casualties for both sides! Not that I'm afraid to die, as long as I can drag the entire ****ing universe down with me! BWA HA HA HA HA!"

"I...may be able to hold him back," said Simmons, "...long enough for you to shoot me. Just do it quickly...before I kill Ruby!"

"Ricky, no!" said Ruby. "Don't throw your life away!"

"I can't live with myself with your blood on my hands!" said Simmons. "I'd rather die...if it saves your life."

"Couldn't you just change into a clean set of armor?" asked Caboose.

_"SHUT UP!"_ said everyone else in the room, except Ruby. While the others were yelling at Caboose, Ruby jabbed her elbow into Simmons' stomach.

As Simmons keeled over in pain, Ruby ran over to join her teammates and allies. Her eyes had turned red again.

"Or you could give me severe abdominal pain," wheezed Simmons. "That works too."

"I'm really, really sorry, Ricky!" said Ruby, whose eye color reverted to silver.

"Don't worry about me," said Simmons. "You did...what you had to do...hrrg...heh heh...AND NOW YOU'RE GOING TO PAY!"

"Can't he make up his mind?" asked Caboose.

"Of course he can't, you idiot!" said Tucker. "How can he make up his mind when there are literally two minds in there? That's twice as many minds as most of us have, but infinitely more than what you have."

"Jijitsujou," said Lopez, "minna wa baka da."

"That doesn't sound like Spanish," said Grif.

"Apparently Lopez speaks Japanese now," said Sarge. "At least this time, he apparently has a translator with him."

"Where's this translator?" asked Tucker.

"Um, he's standing right next to Lopez," grumbled Sarge.

"You mean behind Caboose?" asked Yang.

"Hey! That's my line!" said Sarge.

"So what was the last thing Lopez said?" Grif asked Caboose.

"He said, 'actually you're all idiots,'" answered Caboose. "You really should listen to Lopez when he talks."

"We can hear him just fine!" said Blake. "We just can't understand him."

"Apparently Caboose doesn't even realize that Lopez isn't speaking English," said Sarge.

"That's disturbingly unsurprising," said Wash.

"Minna-san!" said Lopez. "Simmons to Omega ga doko de iru?"

"What do you mean, 'where are Simmons and O'Malley?'" said Caboose. "They're right over...wait a minute. Where are they?"

"Do any of you have an attention span worth speaking of?" said Weiss.

"I don't think we're in a position to throw stones," said Blake. "I just wish I had seen Omega hiding inside Simmons earlier."

"How could you have known?" asked Ruby.

"I think I know," said Grif. "He used a safe word to control those Grimm mammoth things. Something about dessert. And Caboose should shut up in advance."

"You can't control Goliaths," said Blake. "They're way too smart for that. You'd have to be an existential nihilist just to see eye to eye."

"Well, Omega certainly fits that description," said Church.

"You actually understood those two words she used?" asked Grif.

"Existential nihilist," said Caboose. "Those words sound like they have the same roots as 'exist' and 'annihilate,' in that order."

Everyone stared at Caboose blankly.

"Unfortunately," said Caboose, "I don't know what those two words mean either."

"That's just creepy," said Weiss. "How is it even possible for such selective insight to coexist with otherwise overwhelming stupidity?"

"Maybe he had a decent education," suggested Tucker, "but took severe brain damage afterwards."

"Tucker!" said Sarge. "Stop making up crackpot theories! The only rational explanation is that he's using an elaborate ruse to mask his secret genius!"

"And he occasionally lets it leak at random intervals?" said Carolina sarcastically.

"That's what he wants you to think!" said Sarge.

"Sarge," said Doctor Grey, "a true genius wouldn't risk a ruse that someone like you could see through."

"Speaking of geniuses," said Wash, "how did you give all those portals an attractive force that only worked on us and the creatures of Grimm?"

"Simple!" said Grey. "You had all been through the portals recently before. Everything that passes through the portals picks up some residue, which I used as a homing target. It wears off after a while, but it also sometimes has a visible effect on some people's armor."

_"Tell me about it,"_ said Tucker and Carolina in stereo. Carolina's armor had picked up more black residue since coming through the portal from Sidewinder. Tucker's armor seemed unaffected, save for the color-changing armor enhancement. He was currently keeping his armor aqua.

"Why dump us on Sidewinder?" asked Church.

"It's an abandoned ice planet," answered Grey. "I administered a deadly virus that would exterminate all life on the planet, then decay before it could infect any future visitors. Unfortunately, Simmons is there right now, so my virus can't kill the creatures of Grimm without killing him. Fortunately, I haven't released the virus yet."

"Couldn't you have dumped them on Remnant?" asked Ruby. "Sure, you couldn't use the virus, but we have huntsmen and huntresses with experience fighting the Grimm."

"Too risky!" said Doctor Grey. "The more intelligent variety have undoubtedly learned by experience about the existence of other civilized planets. Surely they won't rest until every single one of them is exterminated!"

"Don't worry!" said Donut. "I know how to get Simmons off of Sidewinder!"

"Without killing him, right?" said Ruby.

"Why would Donut bother killing Simmons," said Weiss, "if Doctor Grey might as well hit him with the virus?"

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, on Sidewinder...<p>

Omega Simmons was currently surrounded by a pack of Beowolves advancing on their prey.

"A little help here, Goliaths!" said Omega. "You could use me as a light snack now, or I could treat you to the biggest dessert of your lives! I promise you can use me as the cherry on top when preparations are complete!"

A few Goliaths charged into the area, scaring off the Beowolves. After running off into the distance, the Beowolves could be heard suddenly howling in pain. From the same direction came Team RWBY, along with Agent Carolina, Doctor Grey, Captain Tucker and Private Donut.

"You really don't need to keep talking in code, Omega," said Blake.

"Yeah," said Ruby. "We already know you're inside Ricky's head!"

"Those things are called Goliaths?" said Tucker. "That name makes no sense!"

"It's probably because of their size," said Weiss.

"But 'mammoth' could also be used directly as an adjective for size," said Doctor Grey, "or a noun for the extinct ancestors of modern-day elephants."

"You eight have got some nerve!" said Omega. "Only five of you know how to fight!"

"You don't know me at all!" said Doctor Grey, moving forward to the front of the group.

"I know you're a surgeon," said Omega. "Good luck getting these beautiful spectacles of nature onto an operating table. Attack!"

A Goliath ran towards the group. Doctor Grey drew an energy sword, then slashed it through the beast's front left leg.

"I know I said I'd be angry if either Caboose or Donut got my sword," said Tucker, "but right now I'm just terrified of Doctor Grey."

"Stay focused!" said Carolina.

"Right," said Tucker. He aimed his new sniper rifle at the three-legged Goliath, then fired a bullet straight at its forehead. "Man, I wish Church were here to see this!"

Unfortunately, the Goliath was still alive even after taking a bullet to the head. It ran towards Tucker, bringing Doctor Grey into stabbing range of its hind left leg. Weiss ran at super speed towards the Goliath's hind right leg, slicing it off with her Myrtnaster sword. Ruby sliced off the remaining leg with her Crescent Rose scythe.

The Goliath tried to grab Yang with its trunk. It ended up grabbing her shadow clone. The real Yang shattered the Goliath's left tusk with her Ember Celica.

Blake jumped upward on a series of glyphs, then sliced her Gambol Shroud through the Goliath's trunk. Meanwhile, Agent Carolina fired her gun at its right tusk, shattering it.

"Not too shabby, Grey," said Omega. "Though I find Tucker particularly unimpressive! And what did you being the pink one for in the first place?"

"I'm light-ish red!" said Donut.

"Right," said Omega, "because that makes all the difference as a soldier!"

"I may not be good with a gun," said Donut, "but I have a really good arm!" He then grabbed an orange cube and threw it at Omega Simmons, who vanished into thin air.

"He's going to be okay, right?" said Ruby as she and the others fought their way back to the portal.

"He'll be fine," said Carolina as they rejoined the rest of the space troopers in the portal nexus. "That was a teleportation grenade."

"Where did you even get those?" asked Grif.

"Where else?" said Donut. "From Chorus, of course!"

"And you couldn't be bothered to use it to get us back to Chorus as soon as we'd left?" said Sarge angrily.

"And I thought I was lazy," said Grif.

"I didn't have the cubes back then!" said Donut. "I recently landed back on Chorus when we were separated by the portal."

"So how much damage did those two evil mercs do in the several months we were gone?" asked Sarge.

"Excuse me, Sarge," said Donut, "but I think you owe me an apology!"

Sarge just grumbled under his breath.

"I can see everyone's a little tense right now!" said Doctor Grey. "The good news is, I've administered the virus on Sidewinder. Those creatures of Grimm won't last long with these things inside them!"

"Bow chicka bow wow," said Yang.

The space troopers all stared blankly at Yang, except Caboose, who started at Tucker.

"Tucker!" said Caboose. "Why do you sound like a girl all of a sudden?"

"You mean to tell me," said Tucker to Yang, ignoring Caboose, "that I could have said that the whole time, and you wouldn't have been offended?"

"Is it the kind of thing you normally say?" asked Yang.

"Only every hour on the hour," said Church. "That is, before we met you guys."

"I still want my apology," said Donut.

"And I still want to know what you saw on Chorus!" said Sarge.

"I can explain," said Doctor Grey. "I rigged the pirates' teleportation grenades to freeze every living thing on Chorus into subspace! Of course, that should have included us, but I used an unrigged cube on ourselves at the same time Felix threw his cube at us!"

"And you couldn't be bothered to reassure us much earlier?!" said Wash angrily.

"I forgot to tell you in the heat of the moment when we landed on a spaceship and had to fight off more pirates!" said Grey. "I meant to carry another teleportation grenade, but I somehow failed to bring it with us."

"Speaking of teleportation grenades," said Ruby, "we can't get Omega out of Ricky's head until we get both of them out of subspace."

"What if he just runs through another portal?" asked Grif.

"We'll find another uninhabited planet to release him," said Ruby. "But first, I need to discuss a strategy."

"I hate those things," said Caboose.

"That's okay," said Ruby. "You won't be hearing it. This strategy depends on the element of surprise, so I can't risk Omega finding it inside anyone's head. The only people I can trust are those who can't be possessed by an A.I. That's Team RWBY and Church."

"What about Wash?" said Church. "There's no way he'd give an A.I. a remote chance to get inside his head!"

"Well, maybe," said Ruby.

"What about Church's profanity filter?" asked Tucker. "How did Wash get that?"

"Church didn't actually write that code," answered Wash. "He downloaded the software patch from some Internet server on Remnant. I know because I downloaded the same patch shortly afterwards."

"Well, I _suppose_ I could let Wash listen in," said Ruby. "But everyone else has to go on ahead through the portal. And don't release Ricky until we catch up."

* * *

><p>About ten minutes later, Team RWBY and the space troopers assembled on a planet none of them recognized. Donut threw a teleportation grenade at the ground. Omega Simmons appeared out of thin air where the cube had landed.<p>

"Game over, Omega!" said Ruby. "All the Grimm on Sidewinder are dead!"

"You fools will pay for your animal genocide!" said Omega furiously.

"Oh, don't call the kettle blue," said Sarge.

Church abandoned his Atlesian Knight 200 robot body. "It figures," he said through the mouth of Simmons. "Omega ran away."

"Catch me if you can, Epsilon!" said Donut. Church left Simmons to chase Omega through Donut's body.

"I didn't know Donut was good at running," said Caboose, right before Omega jumped into his head. "My name is Michael J. O'Malley! And I! Hate! Everything!"

"If he hadn't just called himself O'Malley," said Tucker, "I'd say it was Church in there."

"I am now," said Church from Caboose's mouth. "But Omega flew the coop again."

"I'm sick and tired of being dragged around the universe with you ***holes!" said Grif. "I'm so angry, I could just take a permanent nap!" He then collapsed on the ground.

"Wow. I guess Grif was too heavy a puppet for Omega," said Church, who was still possessing Caboose. "I'm not even going to bother going in there. I just wish Caboose had a similar excuse. One that's equally effective."

"You know, Doctor," said Omega Grey, "I don't think you've considered all the practical uses of this energy sword! BWA HA HA HA HA!"

"Oh, ****!" said Tucker. "Church, get Omega out of her, NOW!"

"I'm way ahead of you," said Epsilon Grey. "Now, where did Omega go this time?"

"I can't stick around for very long, Tucker," said Omega to his current host, "but I should have just enough time to do _this!_" He slammed the sniper rifle against Tucker's knee, breaking the rifle in half. "I gotta run!"

As Church entered Tucker's head, Omega fled to a new host. Instead of tapping into the five physical senses, Omega found himself inside the inner construct of someone's mind.

"All right, where am I this time?" wondered Omega.

"I think I speak for both of us when I say, this is awkward," said Agent Washington's inner mental image of himself.

* * *

><p>About ten minutes ago, in the portal nexus...<p>

"So, Ruby, what's this plan of yours?" asked Wash.

"You're not going to like it," said Ruby.

"Like it or not," said Weiss, "You'd better be absolutely sure that your secret plan for the element of surprise is safe with Agent Washington."

"It'll be fine," said Church. "Omega can't possibly get inside Wash's head."

"That's just it," said Ruby. "My proposal is for Wash to _let_ Omega inside his head on purpose. Once he's in there, we might be able to spring a trap."

"You're kidding!" said Church.

"I know," said Ruby, "it's a terrible thing to ask. I understand if Wash refuses, but I'm running out of other ideas."

"I'll do it," said Wash.

"That was fast," said Yang.

"Who are you," said Church, "and what have you done with Agent Washington?"

"I'm the Agent Washington who's doing the right thing for once. For so many years I've been too afraid to trust anyone. All that ever happened as a result was that my paranoia turned me into the kind of person who doesn't even deserve to have trustworthy friends. It's time I took responsibility for my own crimes that took away other people's trust.

"Besides, you need me more than I need you," continued Wash. "After all, I am the best candidate for the element of surprise. By the way, Ruby, that was a superb act you put on, pretending to be skeptical to let me hear the plan."

"I just got lucky when Church mentioned your condition," said Ruby. "Originally I thought I would need to separate everyone with teleportation grenades, then talk to you while everyone else was frozen without knowing you weren't."

"Hold on," said Weiss. "Once Omega's inside Wash's head, what's your plan to trap him there?"

* * *

><p>Back to the present, inside Washington's head...<p>

"Agent Washington?" said Omega. "Impossible! You'd rather die than let an A.I. into your head!"

"Sooner or later," said Wash, "we all need to face our fears head on. Isn't that right, Theta?"

"Peekaboo!" said a childish voice from behind Omega. He turned around to see a glowing purple A.I. fragment.

"I'm not going to let you bully me around anymore!" said Theta. He locked his arm to that of Omega in a pair of virtual reality handcuffs.

"Looks like you're not going anywhere, Omega," said Church, who had just made his way into Washington's head. "At least, not without me." Church then did the same thing to Theta as Theta had done to Omega.

"Knock, knock," said Gamma, who had come with Church without being completely detached.

"I'm not interested in your stupid jokes!" said Omega.

"Angry people are so much fun to manipulate!" said Sigma. "Especially the fragmented A.I. embodiment of pure anger. Wouldn't you agree, Omega?"

"Nice work, kiddo!" said Church. "You were very brave."

"Agent Washington was a huge inspiration," said Theta. "He showed me what he was willing to do in spite of his fear."

"I admit," said Delta, "I was originally very skeptical about designating Theta as the one to leave behind in Washington's head. At the time it did not look like the most logical choice. Then again, neither did using Agent Washington as the host for our trap."

* * *

><p>After reassembling all of his Epsilon sub-fragments, Church tried to return to his Atlesian Knight body. Unfortunately, he found that Sarge had dismantled it.<p>

"Sarge!" said Church, whose miniature holographic image was hovering over Washington's unconscious body. "What the **** are you doing? I need that body!"

"And Lopez needs a working speech unit!" said Sarge. "After all these years, we will finally hear him speak English! I just installed the device, and I only need to fire it up. And...eureka!"

"Don't count your chickens before they hatch," said Lopez, surprisingly in English.

"See?" said Sarge. "I knew it would work!"

"I stand by what I just said," said Lopez.

"Carolina?" said Church. "Now that I've lost my body again, I'm gonna need a human host. I can't stay in Washington's head. His mental health is already in jeopardy."

"I'm feeling increasingly guilty for putting Wash through this," said Ruby.

"He knew what he was risking," said Doctor Grey.

"So, Doctor, you're awake," said Blake. Simmons, Donut, Caboose, Grif, Tucker, and of course Agent Washington were still unconscious after being hacked by Omega.

"It'll take more that that to damage a brain with an I.Q. of 240," said Grey.

"Wash is pretty smart," said Church, who was now installed in Carolina's neural implants. "It didn't do him much good, though. He's still mentally unstable."

"Doctor," said Carolina. "please make sure Wash doesn't become the next Meta."

"Seriously?" laughed Church. "You want _her_ to give Wash psychiatric therapy? While you're at it, why don't you ask her to restore Agent Maine's sanity? Even better, set Doctor Grey up with psychiatric appointments with herself! Seriously, she was always a lunatic before she ever had an A.I. for any amount of time!"

"Does anyone else here have a certificate for any kind of medical treatment?" asked Doctor Grey.

"Is naptime over yet?" asked Caboose. "Either I woke up early or Tucker, Wash, Mrs. Donut, Grif with two effs and Grif with three effs are sleeping overtime. Never mind, it looks like Donut's waking up."

"I hope Ricky wakes up soon," said Ruby.

"And I hope Sarge is ready to apologize for falsely accusing me!" said Donut. "I won't give up until I get my apology. I don't care how big Sarge's ego is. There's bound to be a crack in his armor somewhere!"

"Dear lord!" said Sarge. "I apologize, okay? Just stop talking!"

"What just happened?" asked Ruby.

"Did you hear the part about the 'crack in his armor?'" asked Lopez.

"I thought that was a metaphor for a weakness in someone's personality," said Ruby.

"Not when Donut says it," said Sarge.

"Speaking of double entendres," said Yang, "I think someone's spent enough time being tuckered out. Hey Tucker, I've waited long enough for you to wake up! How much longer is it going to get?"

"Bow chicka bow wow," muttered Tucker.

"C'mon, Ricky!" said Ruby. "Wake up!"

Simmons regained consciousness to find Ruby on her knees looking over him. He immediately scooched backwards, stood up and ran away.

"Ricky, come back!" said Ruby. "It's over!"

"It's over, alright!" cried Simmons. "Everything's ruined!"

"No, I mean it's over with Omega," said Ruby. "Everything's better now."

"How can you say that?" said Simmons. "Every time I look at you, I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt!"

"Sounds lah'k the old Simmons is back," said Sarge.

As soon as Ruby heard this, her eyes turned blood red. She angrily charged at Sarge from behind.

"Augh, the back of mah head!" said Sarge. "Augh, the front of mah face! Ow, my southern accent!"

"Could you keep it down?" said Grif. "I'm not done with my permanent..." He then noticed Ruby beating the snot out of Sarge. "Never mind. This is worth being woken up by."

Agent Washington groaned, then sat up. "Did it work? Is Omega gone?"

"Ruby's plan worked," said Church. "Omega has been arrested and fully integrated into my own code."

"How about you, Wash?" said Ruby. "How are you feeling?"

"Augh, mah ego," moaned Sarge as he lay flat on the floor.

"Same old, same old," said Wash. "Just having the same nightmare I have every night ever since my first implantation at Project Freelancer. I'm used to it by now."

"You really shouldn't take this too lightly!" said Doctor Grey. "You should stay isolated from A.I. implantation for a while now. I mean more isolated than usual."

"Hey, I wasn't planning on making a habit of this," said Wash.

"Weiss?" said Blake. "You dropped something."

Weiss picked up a card at her feet, glanced at it, then immediately dropped it.

Yang picked up the card and looked at it. "Don't tell me you accepted a contact card from Captain Dynamic!"

"Of course I didn't!" said Weiss, sounding annoyed and embarrassed at the same time. "He must have slipped it into my belt purse without me noticing!"

"How could you not notice?" asked Yang. "Besides, if that were true, he would have at least tried to give me the same...wait. Never mind."

"Who's Captain Dynamic?" asked Ruby.

"He's an ego-maniacal trick-or-treater who thinks he's a superhero," said Yang.

"Does he have any superpowers?" asked Tucker.

"Who knows?" said Agent Washington. "Even if he does, he certainly has no drive to use them."

"How is that ego-maniacal?" asked Lopez.

"He demands the most absurd rewards ever," answered Weiss, "for no effort on his end whatsoever."

"I don't think that's even allowed," said Grif.

"Look who's talking!" said Sarge, who had somehow managed to stand up by now after Ruby had handed his butt to him.

"Maybe he could try a multi-tier thing," said Caboose, "where he starts off with easy missions and gets decent rewards, then maybe the missions get progressively harder and harder, and he gets better and better rewards."

"Caboose's inconsistencies are making me progressively dizzy," said Ruby.

"I know, right?" said Caboose. "I read it in a field training manual! I just don't get why anyone would cry multiple times during a mission. Although, I suppose crying once would create more than one tear."

"Caboose," said Weiss, "please make up your mind as to whether or not you even have a mind."

"At least he's barely smarter than Tank," said Lopez.

"Oh my God!" said Caboose. "I forgot to ask Tank for his autograph!"

"Thank God for that," said Sarge.

"Did the portal send you to the planet with Grifball stadium?" asked Grif.

"I'm just glad it was only the same planet," said Lopez. "We saw that God-forsaken match on TV. I would have hated to cross paths with Tank. He's even stupider than Caboose."

"That doesn't seem physically possible!" said Weiss.

"Of course it isn't!" said Caboose. "Tank isn't stupid! He's the best Grifball player ever!"

"He's the stupidest player on the worst team," argued Grif.

"Excuse me!" said Doctor Grey. "This is all very romantic, but we really need to get back to Chorus as quickly as possible!"

"Why the rush?" asked Grif. "As long as they're frozen in those future cubes, we literally have all the time in the universe!"

"Originally I planned to use that time to summon reliable galactic law enforcement," explained Grey. "But now that Donut released everyone from subspace last time he was on Chorus, we're back to square one!"

"The scary square!" said Caboose.

"It's not my fault!" said Donut. "I was being chased by a Grimm, so I tried to teleport it out! How was I supposed to know it would instead teleport three entire armies in?"

* * *

><p>Team RWBY and the troopers made their way back to the portal nexus.<p>

"Before we go," said Ruby, "I think we should say our proper goodbyes."

"Please don't!" said Simmons.

"Ricky, I'm sorry things got so messed up between us," said Ruby. "But I really want you to keep the board game I gave you."

"I, uh, left it back at Beacon Academy," said Simmons.

"That's okay," said Ruby. "I brought my copy. We can just swap them conveniently, and they'll be perfectly interchangeable."

"Wow," said Donut, "she really knows how to come prepared!"

"Not really," said Weiss. "Knowing Ruby, she just thought she might have haven opportunity to play that stupid game while on a dangerous mission."

"Tucker," said Yang, "I'm really sorry about your sniper rifle."

"That's okay," said Tucker. "At least I got to use it once. That's more than I had ever hoped for previously."

"Okay, I've set up two portals to Chorus and Remnant!" said Doctor Grey. "I also scanned the portals' logs for the energy fluctuations that switched around our armor enhancements and semblances! I had a little help from Remnant in the other side of one of the portals. Now I've calibrated these two portals to reverse the effects."

"Let's go home, team," said Ruby.

"Don't forget to go through the portal at the same time!" said Doctor Grey.

Team RWBY obeyed, and found themselves back on Remnant, right where they had been when Omega opened the portal.

"Don't forget to test your semblances to verify that they're in the right places!" said Doctor Grey's voice through the portal.

Ruby darted across the town square, leaving a trail of rose pedals. Weiss jumped across a series of dynamically created glyphs. Blake jumped into the air, leaving a shadow clone where she had been standing.

Yang was having trouble thinking of an experiment. "My semblance is difficult to test in a non-battle environ..." She suddenly saw a strand of her own hair drifting downward in front of her face. Her eyes turned red as she ran toward the portal generator Omega had built and smashed it to smithereens.

"I think it worked on all four of them," said Tucker.

Doctor Grey had enlarged the portal to Chorus so that she could fit through it with the simulation troopers and Freelancer agents. After they passed through, the portal suddenly flickered and shut down.

"Oh dear!" said Doctor Grey. "It looks like all that armor enhancement rearranging drained the portal's power."

"Felicidades." said Lopez. "¿Qué? ¡Madre de Dios! Español de nuevo."

"Interesting," said Carolina, whose armor was now aqua. "The portal seems to have actually cleaned up the black residue on my armor."

"No fair!" said Tucker, whose armor was completely coated in black. "At least tell me I can have my sword back."

"I may be a lunatic," said Doctor Grey, "but I'm not a thief." She tossed the handle of the sword towards Tucker. He caught it, then successfully activated its energy blade.

Grif tried to run forward, but feel flat on his face after a few feet. "Oh, come on! Can't I keep Carolina's super speed until Grey gives her clearance to use it?"

"Absolutely not!" said Doctor Grey. "Even without a knife wound in your leg, your physical health is way worse than Carolina's."

"I'd better test my other armor enhancement," said Carolina. "Okay, I can change color, but I wasn't aiming for pink."

"You mean light red, right?" said Donut.

"I think she's talking about her own armor," said Sarge.

"They're the exact same color," said pink Carolina. "I think I still need the help of an A.I. to control it. Epsilon? ...Church?"

"Just my luck," said Church, appearing above Caboose's shoulder. "Of all the heads I could have landed in, it had to be Caboose."

"I thought Doctor Grey was supposed to reverse the effects of the first portal," said Wash.

"Yes," said Grey, "it was supposed to put Church back into Carolina's head, but he was already there."

"Can't he just get back to her over the radio?" asked Simmons.

"Of course I can," said Church. "That doesn't change the fact that I have to spend this much time in Caboose's ****ed up head."

"Is the profanity filter still necessary?" asked Grif.

"Not really," said Church. "Wash should be able to uninstall the software patch as easily as he downloaded it. The rest of you will need my clearance."

* * *

><p><em>Don't go away yet! This may be the last chapter of this FanFic, but I'm hoping to have a cover image at some point. My brother is working on drawing it.<em>

_Congratulations to Subs999 for guessing the new wielder of Tucker's energy sword. However, you made two guesses, so you were only half-correct. I guess that means that you deserve half a cake. You deserve it, but don't get your hopes up. I suspect you already know the second half of that Portal 2 quote. ;-P_


End file.
